A Few Tears

i let myself have a few tears today. not many...just a couple. i sucked it up to be there and be supportive and encouraging to our students today. but this morning, i let a few out.

this week i had a few crazy health things...i guess i can give details...what do i not share? so, the last day of camp i got hemorrhoids. not fun! with all of the meds and prenatal i am on, i have issues being able to go to the bathroom, therefore, i got hemorrhoids. the monday after camp (this last monday) i tweaked my back...getting a pedicure. yep. no joke. i have back issues (herniated and bulging L5 S1) and i just happened to turn the wrong way and pull it out. while still sore on thursday, i realized i had a yeast infection. chalk it up to being in a bathing suit for about 3 weeks straight, and the humidity here in houston, my doctor was not at all surprised!

because of the infection, we took an early pregnancy test. the results were negative. at first, i just said, "ok, get me some meds...this is not cool". this morning, after not sleeping well (i forgot to turn our overhead fan on), i got up at 6am to read. i decided to take another test hoping the previous test was wrong. same result. i let a few tears leak out.

each month, with each negative test result, i feel like i grieve just a bit. i get sad. we so badly want a child and we know that God is going to bless that one day. each month i think it will happen. i grieve when it doesnt. my jealousy level has (thankfully) been lower lately. i think a lot of that has to do with knowing that God hears us and that i am trying not to look too far ahead. (see this post) but as i was in the shower, i let a few tears fall thinking about some of my close friends getting so close to delivering.

my sweet friend, lisa, is more than due with baby jenna. jenna's due date was june 25!! lol!! i have always been so excited for lisa and josh through this whole pregnancy, and i cant wait to meet baby jenna. this morning in the shower i started thinking about how, from the beginning of lisa's pregnancy (even before) lisa and i kept saying "it will happen this month and our babies will be best friends". when she got pregnant, we had already been trying for about 7 months. now she is due and i am still not pregnant. i was a little jealous and let a few tears stream.

we are now passing 18 months of trying and this morning i just got a little overwhelmed. but like i said, i sucked it up and moved on. i thanked God for all that He has blessed us with over the last 18 months (new jobs, new house, more friends, and an awesome church) and for how much He has taught us. at church, i wrote a prayer request: please pray for the two minor "surgeries" that we have this month in our journey of infertility. please pray that God will encourage us and open our womb to the child that He has for us. please pray that we can be an encouragement to others as we go through this process.

the end of this week, i will go in for another dilation. then the middle of the month, we will most likely do an IUI.

we sang this song today in worship. great reminder for me!!! i also love the line "here in your presence, heaven and earth become one." made me think of Charlotte singing with me...both in the presence of God, doing what we were both created to do...worship GOD!!!!

here in your presence by new life worship

i started this day with a few tears, but i am ending it with a sense of contentment mixed with excitement and longing for His blessing. please pray with us this month as we continue. we know that God has us right where He wants us, but that does not always mean its a comfortable place. that just means we are growing! 

please be praying for jenna's big arrival any day. please be praying for my sweet, texas friend and co-worker, justine, who is due this week with her first baby, also a girl! please pray lisa and justine both have great experiences! please be praying for lisa, as i can imagine, she will be missing jaxton being there. many of the same people that were there with jaxton will be there with jenna! i wish i could be there with her!!! love you, friends!! 

blessings, ALo