Thursday, March 17, 2011

It had to happen

i knew it some point. ok, well, first off, this post will be me complaining and venting, so if you dont want to read that...stop now! its ok, i understand.

ok...well the last few days have been rough. coming home from jaxton's funeral last week was hard. i hated leaving lisa and josh knowing that the next few days would be very hard. i knew that i was just so exhausted on the ride home...i kept crying like every 30 min over every little thing. i felt torn between having this feeling of needing to help and also knowing that i was spreading myself thin emotionally and physically. mentally i was wrestling with so many thoughts, some that are better not to bring up again (but thankfully i was able to voice all of those things to peter. i dont what i would have done if he had not gone with me). spiritually, well...this last week i have been all over the place with God. i know that He knows what He is doing and there must be a why/reason somewhere, but i dont think it will ever be good enough or make any sense to me. nothing will ever make not having charlotte or jaxton here ok. so, all of that to say i did not start the week off feeling that great. and if emotional, mental, and spiritual exhaustion were not enough, i am now physically sick. yep! another freakin cold!! i am so pissed off about it! i mean, come on! i have had two other colds in the last 4 months. that is really unusual for me. i am rarely sick. but, yep, sure enough it had to happen. doesnt my body know that i have alot going on, doesnt it know that i dont have time or energy to deal with this? oh, and i have my period...enough said there!

did you know that i am on a self prescribed sabbatical from work? i am. i have not been back to work since the beginning of january. if you are a client of mine, thank you for understanding. if you are a co-worker of mine, thank you for your support. in the meantime, my brother grant has been happily taking my place in the salon after finishing his apprenticeship. i have been in to the salon for a few short visits and also to receive a few services. and each time i leave with some anxiety. doesnt that sound crazy? i probably am crazy. i decided to take the said sabbatical because i am not ready to talk to every person in the salon about what has happened, and to be honest it is nice to be here when peter gets home from work and have the opportunity to be there for others. if i were working at the salon things would be different right now. ok, so today i had to go to the salon to drop off my brother's cell that he left at home. just before leaving, i stopped by a co-worker's station to say hi and show off my tattoo. i recognized the client in the chair, but didnt really know her. she must have recognized me though (even with the dark hair!) because she asked if my tattoo was my daughters name. i said yes and then was blindsided...she said, "congratulations, how are you doing? how is your baby?" ugh. i weakly responded. "fine, thanks". i then looked at my friend and said, "ok, gotta go, sorry" she gave me this sympathetic smile. yep, sure enough it had to happen, but i wasnt ready today. that is why i dont work yet. i cant deal with it yet. i left so sad.

today was a beautiful day outside. it was 70 and march!! i wanted to enjoy it. i wanted to pretend that everything was ok. today was not a good day for me. sometimes i feel like no one gets it...sometimes i feel really alone. i know that i am not alone, that i have a lot of support, but sometimes it just feels so overwhelming and no one knows what it is like to be missing my charlotte jean.

please pray for me. please pray that i get the rest that i need. please pray that i do not allow satan to have a foothold when i am weary. please pray that i will continue to reach out to others for help and not rely on myself. please pray for a better day tomorrow.

Romans 9:16 "It does not depend on human will and effort, but on God who shows mercy"

1 Peter 5: 6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

blessings, ALo


  1. Can't wait to have you crashing on my couch this weekend, and to see your faces, and to give you hugs...

  2. friend, i'm so sorry that happened. i am praying for you! i love you.