i know it has been several days, but i am sure that you will forgive me. peter and i have survived the first week without our Charlotte Jean...surviving is all that i would call it! the first few days were hell and as the week went i did not have tears on my cheeks all the time, just sometimes. we took a "trip out" everyday just to shake the shut in feeling (i.e test drove a new SUV for fun on wednesday). we even took an overnight trip, just the two of us, and were gone for exactly 24 hours. as the weekend approached i started getting that anxious feeling, a tightening in my chest and clenching of my jaw! i starting thinking about what i was doing the week before at each passing hour. friday at 2pm i had my first dose of medication, at 7:15 my mom got there, at 8:40am on saturday i had my epidural, at 12:20 my dad and brother walked in (i still cant believe my little brother was there, love you paco!), etc. with each passing hour i was getting more silent up until saturday at 1:10, when my body released Charlotte from her safe place...what should have been her safe place. of course this week, like last, that time passed with no fan fare, with no celebration, with no happy tears. again i processed that moment with tears, with sadness. my arms have never felt so empty, which is compounded by the fact that my belly is empty. all of this makes me a little jealous, ok very jealous. i know that we were told this would never end well for Charlotte, but that never stopped me from hoping and praying. so, i get jealous when prayers get answered around me and mine didnt (or so it seems to me!). i know that little Charlotte was not due until may, so i get jealous when i see or talk to people who are still pregnant, especially when i know that they are due around the time i am supposed to be. i still want to be pregnant with Charlotte!!!!!! i have a lot of "facebook friends" that are posting pictures or status updates about babies, babies that are here and going home with their parents soon...i get jealous, jealous, jealous! peter and i didnt just want to be parents, we wanted to be parents to Charlotte Jean! we wanted this more than we thought we would ever want anything. i am struggling with sadness and loneliness and straight up jealousy!
pray that i do not say something awful/mean to people who are insensitive (yes, i do know we can have other kids, but we want our Charlotte!) and dont know what to say to us (thats ok, dont say anything). please pray that i do not let other things (i.e. food, material possessions, other grieving mom's blogs, etc) try to fill the void that i feel in my heart. please pray that peter and i can continue to keep our line of communication open and honest as we grieve differently. and please pray for peter as he had to go back to work today...he hates leaving me alone at home while we are both navigating this land mine of emotions. thanks for everything!! we love you!
blessings, ALo
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Keep going girl. You are loved, prayed for and supported through ALL of the "stages" of grief - or whatever, not just the ones that seem "nice."
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling all too well. Hugs.
ReplyDeletePraying for you all. I mean it!!
ReplyDeleteHi Aimee. A few months ago I ran into an old friend at Walmart. He was with his beautiful wife who I had never met. We became friends and I went to her house one day. And there on the fridge was your beautiful face along with your sweet husband. I said, "How do you know Aimee and Peter?" and she explained. It's been fun getting to know Renee Rillo! She told me about everything with your precious daughter Charlotte and I have something to give you if you could send me your address. Facebook or email: kjwiggers@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteWhen some of the grief has passed I hope God will help you comprehend how much you are loved and all the people that have been changed by your story. I send my hugs and tears.