people keep asking us how we are doing...do you really want to know
that answer??!!?? lately, i have just been saying "if i get up in the
morning and make it to bed time, i am making it." there is no handbook
for this, there is no checklist of emotions to get us through. plain
and simple it sucks. one minute i will be fine but 20 minutes later i
will just start crying, sometimes for no reason (thank you hormones!).
right now i am not ready to take care of Charlotte's things from the
hospital. they are sitting between the two chairs that peter and i sit
in. things like her baby blanket that we bought for her, ultrasound
pictures, arm bands from the hospital stay, etc. peter and i had
decided to hold off on a nursery once we heard there were
complications from the beginning. we knew that down the road, if the
doctors were right, packing up an unused nursery would be hell for us.
i did have a few things there, but not a full blown nursery. so, for
right now, the bulk of Charlotte's things, reduced to a plastic bag
from the hospital, will stay right by me. my milk came in yesterday,
which would be hard for anyone...so uncomfortable! but this has been
very hard for me knowing that means Charlotte should be here. i wish
in situations like ours the body would know not to make it any worse
for us...my hubby has to bind me up super tight with bandages, which,
i am sure, is not his favorite job because he knows it is not
comfortable for me. the whole milk thing then makes me think about the
things that we will never have a chance to do with Charlotte i.e.
dress her up, take her to the park, go to ballet classes, wipe her
tears, hear her laugh. yes, peter and i understand that Charlotte is
no longer sick and will never have to feel pain, but that does not
help us here, when we are at home without our baby girl. so, today, i
am sad. i am sad for peter and i am sad for me...we miss our precious
Charlotte Jean.
i have downloaded a song that Selah recorded after one of their
members and his wife lost their baby girl Audrey Caroline a few years
ago. peter and i are trying to cling to the promises that God has for
us and this song is helpful to me this morning. please continue to
pray for us as we are grieving Charlotte Jean.
blessings, ALo
I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
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Aimee & Peter, I know no words will suffice, so just know I'm praying so, so much for you both.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you guys. I know there are no words. I know this song... I just read her book, I Will Carry You. I felt that I had written some of it myself- all the feelings of grief, and having confidence and hope when so many around you don't. You both have so much strength. Lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteAimee and Peter, I continue to keep you at the top of my prayer list ... praying for you throughout the day and night as God brings you to mind. As we talked about the other day perfectly nice, sincere people have a tendency to say-what they consider encouraging things-but words that come across as weird or hurtful ... so I'm keeping my mouth shut. I've probably already said something stupid and hurtful, please forgive me. One thing is for sure though - you and Peter are being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of prayers. love and hugs, Aunt Pam
ReplyDeletePraying that God gives you a comfort and peace that only He can give.
ReplyDeleteAimee- I had tears in my eyes as I read your last 2 updates. I personally know the pain you're going through... You're being so honest about how it feels and that's really good. When we lost our sons I did a lot of "I'm fine" because I'm more private and not a fan of public emotion, but the feelings and emotions you're sharing are exactly how I felt, and are so normal to feel. Some days will trully suck, and don't expect yourself to be "back to normal." I don't mean things won't get easier, but Charlotte has left a permanent mark on your life and you know what, someday you'll be so thankful that you can still feel the pain. It's been five years since we lost our boys and sometimes it just hits me again and I lose it... and it sounds crazy, but I'm thankful because somedays I feel guilty for not feeling as deeply sad as I did that first year. I think it's God's little way of reminding us that although the cards, the calls, the immediate effects go away, our children's impact on our lives never, ever will. I'm praying for you and Peter and my heart aches for you guys.
ReplyDelete-Monica
(Bryan's sister in law)