heartbroken

not sure where to start, so here it is. we were blessed with a very quick labor and delivery. as you know, we started the whole process at 2pm on friday afternoon. Charlotte was born at 1:10pm on saturday afternoon...not even 24 hours later! saturday morning i was experiencing severe lower back pain and we decided to go ahead with an epidural (not something i had ever considered, but we were in enough pain without me suffering anymore physically), which was placed at 8:30am. after that things progressed very quickly. i was very tired because i didnt sleep well friday with all the tubes, progress checks, cramps, etc. i was able to rest a little bit here and there after the epidural, which was really nice. at 12:15 my water broke (which was the weirdest feeling...i thought i peed all over myself, eww!). so, obviously, things progressed very quickly after that. i waited for dr. wood to arrive to deliver, he came into the room at 12:55 :) i was told by the nurse that i could have delivered much earlier, but it was important to all of us, including dr. wood, for him to be there. my family waited outside so that peter and i could experience this alone, which is what we wanted. i gave one tiny push to see if i could and one good push and Charlotte Jean arrived. she was quickly rushed off to the comfort room to get cleaned off and dr. wood continued with me. i was blessed to have my placenta come easily and in tact. dr. wood had been concerned that it may not with the situation, so a huge praise for us! not long after, linda, our nurse, came in to prepare us for little Charlotte's visit. we were told that she was very sick and did not look good. she still advised that we see and hold her. honestly, we were not prepared for what we saw, but i will never forget her beautiful little nose and lips. she weighed 1lb 7.4oz and 9in long. i will not share more of her looks as it truly was not easy to see, but we were blessed for the time we spent with her. everything was confirmed when we saw her about how sick she was...very, very sick little girl. praises again that we were both able to hold her and convey our love to her. a very emotional time for peter and i, but we are thankful that we had that time as a family of three. our parents did come in to say hello to Charlotte and spend some time with us. soon after our time with our extended family, our pastor don came with wife marcie to say a prayer and blessing for our little precious baby and family. we were so glad that we had that special time led by a close friend. we asked for time alone with our baby to say goodbye and our family said theirs on the way out. just as we were finishing my best friend, sarah maddox, was able to get there from indy (another huge praise). i had been waiting all day for her and we quickly ushered her in so that she could meet Charlotte briefly. i asked her to leave (i guess you are realizing i am not shy about telling people what i want/need) so that we could finish our goodbyes alone. this was the worst thing we have ever had to do. some of you may know that feeling, i hope that the rest never have to know that pain! the staff was great helping us and following our requests, which was of course very helpful in this situation. after a little alone time for peter and i, it was time to get cleaned up and start our goodbyes with our friend sarah and our family members. i am pretty sure that those people will never know what it meant for us to have their love and support right there when we needed them. we purposely kept things small and private, so please do not feel slighted if you were not asked to be there...i just could not do anymore, i am sure you understand (too bad if you dont :) )! after that things were pretty well finished and we decided to go home and forgo another night at the hospital. we left with our flowers from friends (thanks!) our suitcases and our little bag of Charlotte's things...of course we were so sad about leaving without her, it was downright awful (i cant write about that yet)! peter and i were home a little before 8pm, but to me it felt more like 3am...i was more than exhausted! i was in bed and asleep by 10:15, again a praise, and slept until about 7am. i was able to go in and lay with my mom for a little bit, which ended up being an incredibly sweet time for us. today has been an interesting day, but i am not sure what i was expecting. i am very emotional when i think about things, but that is "normal" i guess. peter and i are comforting each other as the day goes on...sometimes i am not sure how i have any tears left! peter will be able to spend the next week at home with me, regardless of what his employer says :) i will continue to blog as we find our way through this hard time, but i dont know how often those updates will come...we will see if writing helps me or hurts me. 

i wanted to end with the perfect thing, but there is no perfect thing to say/write. the closest thing i have is what my sweet husband (he will be getting his own blog very soon, i am sure. i am more than blessed to say the least!) wrote on facebook last night. please just continue to pray for us as you are led...nothing specific comes to mind, too many things are running through mind actually. thank you all for everything! we love you!

"Today we said goodbye to a child we never knew, but whom we love more than words could express. Our baby girl Charlotte was not meant to know this world, but is now at perfect peace in the gracious and loving hands of our Lord, where she will feel neither pain nor sadness. Although the loss of her physical body will take time to recover from we have comfort in knowing she is experiencing inexplicable joy in the presence of her Creator and that one day we will see her again."

blessings, ALo