i never stop thinking about Charlotte. depending on the day, thoughts of Charlotte take up anywhere from a few to most of my thoughts. yesterday and today it was most. i cant even really tell you why. i did think today about how 2 years ago right now, we were getting excited to see our little girl on screen for the first time.
today, i publicly broke down. i havent done that in a while. i felt just a little bit crazy, but felt so loved after. so, at work we met as a staff just to pray together (best job ever!!!). we have a lot going on from now through the holidays, so we like to all get together often to lift each other up and keep the enemy away. today, towards the end of the prayer time, we prayed for things that we know will happen in heaven would happen here on earth (what is bound on earth will be bound in Heaven, what is loosed on earth will be loosed in Heaven. matt. 18:18). with my thoughts already going towards Charlotte i found myself praying that today...in complete tears. thankfully, all my coworkers know our story and know all that God has blessed us with over the last few years. i loved that they were all praying in agreement with me and for my family.
here was my prayer today:
God, as peter and i look to be reunited with our sweet baby in heaven, please let us raise these twins without the cloud of grief that we still feel. allow us to lead our kids to always bring all glory and honor to You.
i felt such peace, just praying the words out loud...being honest, that there are still days of grief. that we still miss our little girl. that even though we are more than thankful for our double blessing, we still miss Charlotte and wish she were here too. i came home and told peter about today, cried a little more, but again was comforted knowing that he knows exactly how i feel, even said that he has been thinking about Charlotte a lot this week.
i am feeling great right now in this pregnancy with the LOtwins. we are all very excited to find out on the 27th exactly what they "are". i still just miss Charlotte and think about her a lot. i think that is probably "normal"...at least i hope. but i guess, even if its not, its where i am right now.
here is a song that i have had on repeat for the last week. we sang it last week at church during our night of worship. i felt the LOtwins move for the first time during this song. it is just so fitting for all that i am thinking and feeling...and for all that is happening in our country!! i hope you voted today...we went as a family tonight! :)
i had the first of many doctor's appointments for this little baby on monday. it was a "confirmation appointment". just meant that i had to pee on one of their test sticks and have some blood work and an "exam". i was only told it would be the urination test part, so the rest was a surprise...i should have shaved my legs! sorry, nurse patty! lol. anyway...i am definitely pregnant! so exciting! patty (the nurse practitioner) said that i should stay on the metaformin (blood sugar pill) to help with my nausea and the progesterone to help since i dont produce as much as i should. they switched me over from the oral progesterone to the "non-oral". when i went to pick up the Rx, it was going to be $587 per month! uh...for real?? i mean if that is the only choice, it will be worth it, but there are other options...lets try that first! i have left a few messages to have the new Rx that patty said would be manageable financially. hopefully they call me soon...i dont like not taking a medicine that will help my little growing baby! today i am exactly 5 weeks along. we will get our first look at our little one in just over 2 weeks. friday, august 24th at 2:15. my awesome friends from atlanta will be here too...they will get to meet our little sweet when we do. :) so, things are good. i am feeling good...only nauseous when i eat sweets (rough, huh?!!?? oh well!). we are praying for good, healthy growth. we are also praying that God calms our nerves as we continue in this pregnancy. after our journey with Charlotte, we cant help but be a little nervous/anxious/think the worst.
our high school worship band played this song tonight in worship and it hit me right where i needed it. an awesome reminder!! hope you enjoy it!! i really wish you could all hear my friend, amos, sing this song. he and the band were so awesome tonight! i am so blessed by them each week! "to testify of your wonder and grace forever! there is none beside You God!! i live my life to shine your light!" here is a link for all the lyrics.
Rhythms of Grace by hillsong (aftermath album)
ps. we need a nickname for our sweet baby...any ideas? we called Charlotte "babyLo" until we named her :)
wow, this is the most blogging i have done in one month for a while!!
anyway, several people wanted the list of worship music we took with us on wednesday. we started listening in the car, then throughout the appointment, and on the way home. there is a lot of music and i am not sure if we listened to all of them or now. we jsut set it to shuffle play.
i hope you enjoy!!
Waiting Worship playlist: 7/18/12
Bethel Live – Hope's Anthem (feat. William Matthews)
Group 1 Crew – He Said - feat. Chris August
Passion – Jesus, Son of God (feat. Chris Tomlin and Christy Nockels)
Passion – Not Ashamed (feat. Kristian Stanfill)
Passion – Lay Me Down (feat. Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman)
Passion – One Thing Remains (feat. Kristian Stanfill)
Passion – You Revive Me (feat. Christy Nockels)
Ginny Owens – Be Thou My Vision
Bethel Live – You Are Good (feat. Brian Johnson)
Bethel Live – One Thing Remains (feat. Brian Johnson)
Bethel Live – Furious (feat. Jeremy Riddle)
Bethel Live – Be Lifted High (feat. Brian Johnson)
Bethel Live – Love Came Down (feat. Brian Johnson)
Bethel Live – Forever And A Day (feat. Jenn Johnson)
Hillsong Live – With Us (Live)
Hillsong Live – God Is Able (Live)
Hillsong Live – Cry Of The Broken (Live)
Hillsong United – Desert Song (Live)
Hillsong Live – Healer (Live)
Hillsong Live – Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Live)
Kari Jobe – Find You On My Knees
Kari Jobe – Run to You (I Need You)
Kari Jobe – Love Came Down
Hillsong United – Hosanna
Natalie Grant – Your Great Name
Chris Tomlin – Awakening
Leeland – Majesty
Maranatha! Music – Breathe
Maranatha! Music – How Great Thou Art - Incredible Hymns Album Version
Maranatha! Music – Great Is Thy Faithfulness - Incredible Hymns Album Version
Maranatha! Music – Healer
Matt Redman – 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)
this is a big week for peter and me. on tuesday we have the follicle search and hcg injection. wednesday (depending on tuesday's finds) we will do an IUI. this past week my thoughts have been a little bit all over for the place. i think part of it had to do with doubling one of my hormones. the other side is knowing that this is the end of the infertility treatments for us. we are not giving up, but we do not want to do more than IUIs. we will be able to do more than one month if needed, but we do not feel that IVF is a good option for us and that is the next step. there are emotions there. i dont like to get discouraged, but sometimes it is hard not to. it has been 19 months so far and over 6 months of treatments. the thought of IUI is also hard for me because it seems peter and i are taken out of the equation so much. i know that God has given us the knowledge to have scientific advances and doctors and all of that. but this is not how we thought we would conceive a child...in a doctors office. but, life is often not how we think it is going to be. anytime i felt the emotions coming on, i tried to stop and be thankful for one of the many other blessings that God has given me. i have also been praying a lot this month, that we would give God all the glory in this journey. that we would be able to worship Him in and through it all.
on wednesday when we have the IUI, i will have to lay there for about 30 minutes. i am planning on making a playlist of worship songs to focus on. prayer and worship will make that wait so much better. i have a few songs on my list, but if you have suggestions for me...i will be all ears!
this week, i am praying that i have good follicles. that my body will respond to the treatments that i am on plus the injection tuesday. i am praying for a great wednesday...nerves, body responses, an open womb, and CONCEPTION!! praying i no longer have a hostile environment for a baby!! praying i can encourage others this week that are facing the next step of their journey as i face mine.
blessings, ALo
ps. i had thought about taking cupcakes to the doctors office on wednesday...happy conception day cupcakes (just believing it will happen)!! peter thinks i am crazy...i mean, i know i am, but i think it would be cute/fun/appreciated. thoughts??
i have been a garth brooks fan since i was in about middle school. garth is one of those artists that has so many awesome songs that i cant pick my favorite song...depends on the day, sometimes the situation or who i am with. i will always remember my mom and i jammin and singing at the top of our lungs during car rides. her favorite might be "beer run"...lol!! i also have a friend that said "the thunder rolls" is a scary song. we were on our way to see miranda lambert and garth came on whatever we were listening to. she was singing along and messing up a few words, but about half way through she said "this is a really scary song"...our whole car of girls cracked up. :)
i have about 16 weeks to come up with a favorite, or at least learn every word to every one of his songs. in 16 weeks i get to see garth in concert...in LAS VEGAS!!!!! ahhhhhhhh!!! pure excitement!!! in 16 weeks i turn 30...the dirty 30! my mom and i decided this would be a fantastic "reason" to head out to vegas to meet garth. so, on october 27th my mom and aunt sally, my cousin alex and i will be there...dressed in cowgirl boots, singing along, and loving every minute of it.
this is my first visit to vegas. the concert is at the wynn, but we are still deciding on where to stay. if you have any suggestions, let me know! :)
i wish i could really show you how excited i am...this is seriously going to be one of the best birthday presents ever!!! thanks, mom! cant wait to see you, garth brooks!!!
do you have a favorite garth song??
blessings, ALo
ps. my goal is to loose my last 25 pounds before we get there. that will put me at my goal weight. this trip will be a HUGE incentive!
i let myself have a few tears today. not many...just a couple. i sucked it up to be there and be supportive and encouraging to our students today. but this morning, i let a few out.
this week i had a few crazy health things...i guess i can give details...what do i not share? so, the last day of camp i got hemorrhoids. not fun! with all of the meds and prenatal i am on, i have issues being able to go to the bathroom, therefore, i got hemorrhoids. the monday after camp (this last monday) i tweaked my back...getting a pedicure. yep. no joke. i have back issues (herniated and bulging L5 S1) and i just happened to turn the wrong way and pull it out. while still sore on thursday, i realized i had a yeast infection. chalk it up to being in a bathing suit for about 3 weeks straight, and the humidity here in houston, my doctor was not at all surprised!
because of the infection, we took an early pregnancy test. the results were negative. at first, i just said, "ok, get me some meds...this is not cool". this morning, after not sleeping well (i forgot to turn our overhead fan on), i got up at 6am to read. i decided to take another test hoping the previous test was wrong. same result. i let a few tears leak out.
each month, with each negative test result, i feel like i grieve just a bit. i get sad. we so badly want a child and we know that God is going to bless that one day. each month i think it will happen. i grieve when it doesnt. my jealousy level has (thankfully) been lower lately. i think a lot of that has to do with knowing that God hears us and that i am trying not to look too far ahead. (see this post) but as i was in the shower, i let a few tears fall thinking about some of my close friends getting so close to delivering.
my sweet friend, lisa, is more than due with baby jenna. jenna's due date was june 25!! lol!! i have always been so excited for lisa and josh through this whole pregnancy, and i cant wait to meet baby jenna. this morning in the shower i started thinking about how, from the beginning of lisa's pregnancy (even before) lisa and i kept saying "it will happen this month and our babies will be best friends". when she got pregnant, we had already been trying for about 7 months. now she is due and i am still not pregnant. i was a little jealous and let a few tears stream.
we are now passing 18 months of trying and this morning i just got a little overwhelmed. but like i said, i sucked it up and moved on. i thanked God for all that He has blessed us with over the last 18 months (new jobs, new house, more friends, and an awesome church) and for how much He has taught us. at church, i wrote a prayer request: please pray for the two minor "surgeries" that we have this month in our journey of infertility. please pray that God will encourage us and open our womb to the child that He has for us. please pray that we can be an encouragement to others as we go through this process.
the end of this week, i will go in for another dilation. then the middle of the month, we will most likely do an IUI.
we sang this song today in worship. great reminder for me!!! i also love the line "here in your presence, heaven and earth become one." made me think of Charlotte singing with me...both in the presence of God, doing what we were both created to do...worship GOD!!!!
here in your presence by new life worship
i started this day with a few tears, but i am ending it with a sense of contentment mixed with excitement and longing for His blessing. please pray with us this month as we continue. we know that God has us right where He wants us, but that does not always mean its a comfortable place. that just means we are growing!
please be praying for jenna's big arrival any day. please be praying for my sweet, texas friend and co-worker, justine, who is due this week with her first baby, also a girl! please pray lisa and justine both have great experiences! please be praying for lisa, as i can imagine, she will be missing jaxton being there. many of the same people that were there with jaxton will be there with jenna! i wish i could be there with her!!! love you, friends!!
this is my camp post...listen to this song...its our camp anthem (lyrics below)!!
Furious by Jeremy Riddle
Nothing can tear us from The grip of His mighty love We’ve only glimpsed, His vast affection Heard whispers of, His heart and passion It’s pouring down…
His love is deep, His love is wide And it covers us His love is fierce, His love is strong It's furious His love is sweet, His love is wild And it's waking hearts to life
The Father loves and sends His son The Son lays down His life for all He lavishes His love upon us He calls us now, His sons and daughters He’s reaching out…
… and its waking hearts to life He is waking hearts to life He is waking hearts to life
Your love is deep, Your love is wide And it covers us Your love is fierce, Your love is strong It's furious Your love is sweet, Your love is wild And it's waking hearts to life
by definition, furious means acting with or marked by or resulting from great force or energy or emotional intensity. doesnt knowing that make the song so awesome??!!? God's love for us is furious! it has force, energy, and intensity. our overall theme for both camps was FLIPPED. we took things that we think as normal and show how God FLIPs that (ie in order to have life, you must loose it. in order to be first, you must be last). this song was perfect for that theme. so often we think of God as this old man in a chair that we have to treat like an elderly grandpa, or as meek and mild devoid of much emotion and drive. when the students started understanding this thinking, their worship and daily bible study became deeper, more meaningful, and sometimes emotional. we saw so many changed lives through teaching about God's furious love for them.
if you read my post about middle school camp, then you know some of what God was teaching me. before leaving for high school camp, i asked God to continue working in my heart and in my thoughts. part of me was really looking forward to going back to high school camp, becuase i had "already been there, done that" kind of thing. i was going to get to sit back and relax a whole lot more than middle school week. a few things changed just 2 days before camp started! we knew that satan was really trying to put up some major road blocks of discouragement...we knew that some big God things were going to happen! the friday before camp on sunday, we found out our speaker was going to miss a day and a half due to a mandatory work meeting in chicago...!!! we also had two adult leaders back out the day before camp...!! that meant we had to do some quick thinking and some specific praying! our amazing team came together and worked it all out! God led us into an amazing night of worship while our speaker was gone, and myself and our awesome rec leader became adult leaders for condos full of young ladies!
to say that the night of worship softened hearts would be a huge understatement! God used something that we had never planned prior to camp to change the hearts of our students and bring them so much closer to Him. that night set the tone for bryan, our high school speaker, to urge students to go from being a simple fan of Jesus to a full blown follower of Jesus. stories and encouragement from our worship band and leaders helped show students that this life has its ups and downs, but God is always consistent and has walked the road ahead of us. we saw several accept Christ for the first time. we saw most of our students stand wanting to become different...a follower. it was amazing!!!
God had some awesome encouragement for me too. when we had two female leaders back at the last minute, i became a leader for 6 upcoming freshman and co-leader for 4 upcoming sophomores. i was a little bummed. not that i dont like being a leader, i do! i just felt unprepared and super self conscious. i usually like to make matching tshirts, bring decked out water bottles, and team themed headbands/bracelets/etc. i didnt get to be the cool leader. i was self conscious about hanging with "super cool" kids (at least most high schoolers think they are!)...i though i may not be cool enough to hang with them. i will be 30 years old in a few months!! but once i met the girls and we got settled in our awesome condo, God quickly started revealing how much these girls needed me...cool or not! one of my sweet girls revealed in our first group time that her mom had just had a miscarriage the week before camp. she was broken hearted. one of the sweet girls shared how she is trying to overcome self mutilation. one young lady told us that it was her first ever camp and she had never even owned a Bible before. by the end of the week, each of the 10 girls had made some amazing decisions for Christ! they grew together as a group to encourage each other and keep each other accountable. by the end of the week, i was so protective of each of them. i couldnt wait to get back and be a part of their growth in their FLIPPED relationship with God. and...they are all now following me on all my social media and several have said how much they miss me! ;) so cute!
this week restored my calling to be a part of high school youth ministry. not just the admin and event planning, but the small group leading, relationship building, Godly encouraging parts of high school ministry. that restoration will change my student interaction, my worship, my speaking style, my approach to my job...i was FLIPPED.
this song was one of my camp favorites. my awesome friend amos sang it. it rocked!!! read the lyrics...they are awesome. you will see why it means so much to me!
With Us by hillsong
VERSE 1: Before the world You knew the plans for me Before my heart believed You came to my rescue And now I'm found in love There's nowhere else to run You keep my life within Your mighty hand Oh God
CHORUS: There's no end to Your love There's no end to Your love You're with us You're with us There's nothing in this world That could take You away You're with us You're with us
VERSE 2: Before I call I know You'll answer me You'll make a way Beyond what I could imagine What could separate From the love You give I put my hope in everything That You are Oh God
CHORUS
BRIDGE: You reign in our hearts You reign above all Be lifted on high You reign in our hearts You reign above all Be lifted on high You reign in our hearts You reign above all Be lifted on high You reign in our hearts You reign above all Be lifted on high
CHORUS:
if you have never been a part of a youth camp, you should!! God will change your heart. and you will get to be a part of Him changing the hearts of everyone around you!
i have shared several songs here before, including "desert song" from hillsong. i had mentioned that one of the singers is also a baby loss mom, but this video tells a little bit more about her story and why she worships. thanks to my friend emily for sending me the link last night...i just couldnt wait to share it!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.
hoping this oldie, but a goody, is stuck in my head all day today...or desert song!
i have heard all of these things so many times growing up. i am still not good at any of them! be still? what does that even mean? dont you know i am a very stereotypical type A personality? but that is what i have been trying to tell myself for the past few weeks.
be still.
listen.
wait.
be still and know that God is here. listen for what God is trying to tell me over the noise of life. wait on God's perfect timing. these are all hard for me. i feel like some days are better than others, but today has been a bit more of a struggle. i am trying! God knows my heart and my desires, but i want to know HIS!
this song keeps coming to mind today. such a encouragement!
Psalm 46:10 He says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in earth".
i dont know what to do. Charlotte's "birthday" is sunday and i dont know what to do to celebrate. is it weird? i want to take time to think about and celebrate her...our time with her. i just dont know how i want to do that. do i have people over for cupcakes? do i do something with just peter and me? its hard because my new friends here in houston dont "know" her like my friends in the midwest. they were there for her balloon release, they were there when i was pregnant, etc. on the other hand, my friends here have mentioned being available/wanting to celebrate with us if we are up to it. i dont want the whole day to be sad. but i also know that this is such a huge part of who we are and i want our friends to know us, to "know" Charlotte. i still have not shared any of her things with anyone here. plus, who doesnt love cupcakes? :)
i just feel weird planning but not planning a non-birthday birthday "thing"...see what do i even call it? i know that part of me is wanting to plan something as a distraction for what the day is really about. if there are people over, i will be in entertainer mode. all of this is wrapped pretty tightly in denial. i am running circles around myself in my head...i think i am making this harder than it really is. i am making myself, and peter, crazy. then throw my jealousy issues in there and i am a big ball of mess. i still wish i was just planning Charlotte's real first birthday...the one where i get to watch my toothy little girl, dressed in pink frills and ruffles, get completely covered in cake and frosting. the party where i wrap tupperware, because thats all a baby really wants/needs/can play with. yeah...i am needing some prayer! i should just leave it at that.
so, here is the deal...peter and i are going to come home after church. we will have lunch and then have cupcakes to celebrate Charlotte's birthday. we will probably release a few balloons after. we are probably going to hang out here, do our thing alone, but that could change. i might add a post later in the week inviting people over. if not, or if you live too far away, feel free to have something sweet and think about Charlotte and pray for us as we are still trying to figure out this road that we are on. how to celebrate and remember, but not be weird or awkward or whatever the right term is for a situation like this. pray that God reveals His next step for our family. pray that my jealousy and feelings of doubt will be turned into something healthy and God honoring.
thanks so much for all the support and encouragement. i promise i am not really as crazy as i sound.
thankful that God's love never fails...He never gives up!
the last two days i have been emotional/sensitive/dramatic/whatever. i am not sure what brought it on, exactly, but on saturday night i had a couple pretty bad dreams. when i have bad dreams, it always has something to do with someone leaving me. so when i woke up i was just a little off. peter and i went to the 9:30 service together at church and it was exactly what i needed! the worship music was exactly that, worship. the sermon was straight from God's word and there was a really great time of prayer during the service too. it was really encouraging and got me ready to volunteer with the middle schoolers in the 2nd service. i told peter about how i was feeling over lunch. i have realized things go much better if i express what i am feeling/thinking sooner rather than later. we had a good talk and he was super encouraging to me. the day started out a little rough, but ended up being great. time with peter, hanging out with middle schoolers, and a nap were all great! before falling asleep last night, i spent time thinking about Charlotte, looking at her stuff (which is by my bed right now), and thanking God for the time that i did have with her. God helped me find a way to choose half full rather than half empty! :) this thought (which i saw on pinterest) kept coming to mind too.
today, i didnt wake up emotional, but there was an "incident" that kinda hurt my feelings. i dont think that i want to go into it...however i did talk to peter about it. he understands why i feel the way that i do, but he was more than kind enough to tell me not to let it bother me. this type of thing has very rarely happened, so i took it hard...he told me not to take it personally because of the previous statement. i know this all sounds kind of strange and doesnt make sense...sorry! anyway. all of that was put into perspective tonight. i got a call from mom about a horrible tragedy in the lives of some dear family friends. all that i was thinking and feeling today was pretty much made null and void in comparison. again, i can not share all the details here, but please be praying for these friends. i was quickly reminded of how blessed i am, how loved i am, and how much i love my family and friends.
God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.
here are two songs from worship this weekend that were encouraging to me..hope they are the same for you!!
i wish i was there to help your family celebrate your first birthday! i wish, more than anything, that you were here to celebrate too! i bet that you are having the most spectacular birthday cake in heaven today. i hope that you and Charlotte are playing games and enjoying this day together.
please pray with me today for my sweet friend, cami. i can not imagine all the emotions that she is feeling today! my prayer, which i texted to her this morning, is that her day is full of joy not sadness; hope not fear; thankfulness not regret. please pray for cami's hubby and four older children as they also grieve and celebrate at the same time. today, the snyder family is celebrating by going to the hospital and doctors' offices that helped care for Lulu...taking treats to celebrate and thank you notes (like the picture above). what an amazing gift in honor of their sweet little girl. please pray that this will be an encouraging time, rather than a time of anxiety!
i have been offered a job! i was offered the job before i even moved down here! this is so much more than a coincidence and i just have to share it...it might get a little wordy, because i am so excited about it, so forgive me...or dont read it...whatever! :)
in january 2005, i had i just graduated from college (december) and started a job as an intern at far hills community church in dayton with the youth department. i worked specifically for the middle school pastor, jason, as well as helping out when needed for the high school events. jason and i always had so much fun together...he quickly taught me that middle schoolers arent all that bad if you just reach them where they are at. so, yes, lots of fun! but jason also knows how to communicate with the middle schoolers to get them to understand God's movement in their lives...he doesnt take the Bible and"water it down" but makes it applicable for their lives right now. i was in charge of games, announcements, the "bulletin", helping coordinate events, and everyday admin work. i was also a small group leader, which i loved!! i worked as an intern until the end of may and was then asked to join full time staff the first of june. i was so excited!! that summer jason, a few volunteer leaders, and myself lead a group of the middle schoolers on a missions trip to a christian camp in southern ohio to do a work project. i will never forget playing a night game (towards the end of the week) and completely wiping out on some wet grass. i came down hard on my tailbone, which i had previously injured a few times, and threw my back out! i had to be moved to a separate cabin without stairs...jason and one of the other male leaders had to carry me up the hill...i was more than embarrassed!! by the end of the summer, there was some shady stuff going on and not long after shady stuff caused the church to split. by october i was working at an eye doctors office and at the end of the year, jason and his family took a new position at a big church in tennessee.
fast forward to the middle of august (this year, like last month!). i saw on facebook that jason and jacqueline and their 2 kids were moving to houston. i asked him what was up...where in houston (mind you houston is the 4th largest city in the nation right now) etc. i never thought that he would say northwest houston (where we are wanting to be), but he did. the following monday jason called me and filled me in on what was going on (it had been not quite 5 years since we had talked besides the occasional facebook stalk) and all about the church that he was joining. we talked for almost an hour and at the end he was jokingly telling me that i needed to come work for him. i said "sure, sure, whatever!" well, i did some research on the church and wasnt able to fine anything i didnt like. i think that i was secretly hoping i would, because this was just a little crazy! jason called me back the night before we were leaving for jamaica to for real offer me a job. "aimee, come work for me. i got the green light and the money to pay you!" what??!!!??? nobody there has met me and i have not seen you in five years!! i didnt say that, but it was what i was thinking!! what i did say, after hearing the details, is that i would pray about it, talk with peter and see him (jason) when we got there the next week. jason and his family moved to houston on saturday (9/3) and i was there tuesday (9/4). on wednesday i met jason, jacqueline and the kids for lunch and then went to their house to chat. the more i heard about the job, the more excited i got! on thursday i met jason at the church to look around and meet a few other members of the staff. to say that everyone was welcoming and encouraging is an understatement. jason knew that me taking the job was going to be contingent on whether or not peter and i liked the church as a place for us to grow. saturday night we went to a service and really enjoyed it! even though community of faith is a very large church, we felt very welcomed! it reminded me a lot of my time as an intern at first baptist church naples in florida. the worship at CoF was contemporary without feeling like i was going to a concert or that the band was there just for entertainment. the pastor started a new series and this week was about forgiveness (kind of perfect for sept. 11). he did not stand up at the pulpit and pretend like he was above all of us. he actually sat and talked like we were sitting in his living room, talking about something he struggles with on a certain level. i left very encouraged! i went back sunday morning to watch jason in action and to get a feel for the middle schoolers. again, by the end of the morning, i could see jason was going to be the perfect fit for this middle school ministry.
so, long story short, i am taking the job! :) i am not going to officially accept the offer for a few weeks, but i will be doing everything that jason has asked of me in the job description on a volunteer basis. peter and i just want to make sure that it is not too much for me and that this is going to be a good fit for our family before we make it official. i have been burned twice while being on staff of a ministry and we are just being a little cautious! :) however, i am beyond excited to being going back into ministry! i have been praying for the last several months to be given an opportunity to get involved. thats how we know that this is more than just a coincidence! God is obviously working here! jason needs an assistant (that will not be my title, but we are still working on that) and i wanted to be involved with youth again. again, not that i needed any confirmation that we should be in texas, but this is just amazing...i keep saying it...more than a coincidence!
i am praying that God will use me where i am at to help some of these teen where they are at! i am praying that the details are just right for what peter and i need for our family! i am praising God for this amazing opportunity to be back in ministry and in ministry with friends who i trust!
i am so blessed!
OH LORD, MY GOD, HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!
Verse 3: When Christ shall come, With shouts of acclamation, And take me home, What joy shall fill my heart! Then I shall bow In humble adoration And there proclaim, "My God, how great Thou art!"
blessings, ALo
ps. remember that embarrassing story about my back? well, i went to CoF today to help put together some new furniture. jason and i were working on putting together some IKEA stuff (by the way, that can be so annoying...their directions are ridiculous) and it was really warm. jason was literally dripping sweat onto me. i said "well, its a good thing we are friends and didnt just meet this week!" its still gross though...and if he were a normal person he might have been a little embarrassed...good thing he isnt! :)
so...i am usually a little behind on cool up and coming artists/music because i usually just listen to stuff that i already have or that some one gives me or that we are singing in church. well, a few posts back i posted a link about carter and the music in the background quickly drew me in. i had heard of the band "gungor" a while back, but did not keep up with the latest stuff, but now i keep replaying a few of the songs on their "beautiful things" album. if you are not familiar with their stuff, CHECK THEM OUT!!! the above video is from a live recording for relevant, so the sounds is a little different than on the CD, but still great!
"Ironically, most of the music is not directly about caring for the poor and ministering to widows and orphans. Instead, much of the album addresses the spiritual journey and the understanding of God that happens when we do these acts. Like many before him, Gungor has had to fight off feelings of disillusionment when he’s tried to love the unlovable and gotten no love in return. 'Sometimes it feels like the love just turns to dust,' Gungor admits. 'This album is an expression of hope that God will make beautiful things out of the dust in our lives, that God will somehow use us, use our obedience and love, our feeble human effort, and build Himself a kingdom.' Gungor has captured this hope with sparse, poetic words." an excerpt from the band's website.
hope you check them out and find something encouraging!!
blessings, ALo
ps. we are in texas...our jamaica trip was amazing and all our travels went super smoothly...that will be its own post after i have time to upload all my pics!!! sometime this week...promise! quick prayer request...i am looking at our #1 choice for a house here in houston, tomorrow at 10am, then i am going to meet with two long time friends about a job opportunity for me...update on all of that later too! :) thanks, friends!!
my sweet and awesome hubby has been spending hours putting all of my cds onto the computer and then onto my ipod. seriously...i would never have done this myself! and now, i dont know what i would do in the car without that ipod full of music! :) just another reason i love my hubby...he spoils me!
in the meantime i was going through some mixed cds and found one of my most favorite songs from 10 years ago. now, it is all i can think about...all i keep singing! here is the cool thing...it has brought me a lot of encouragement today. i think i am going to keep playing it on repeat and rockin out. so, if you see me in the car singing at the top of my lungs...join in! :)
so, here is the oldie but goodie...ginny owens singing "if you want me to" (lyrics below)
The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear And I don't know the reason why You brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to It may not be the way I would have chosen When you lead me through a world that's not my home But You never said it would be easy You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no So When the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through And I will go through the valley If You want me to
i dont really know how to describe how i have felt the past week. i think it is frustration. not anger, so much, or jealousy...some confusion, some disappointment but for sure plenty of frustration. from the start of our journey with Charlotte, i knew the that probability of her growing to full term was (according to the specialist) about 3%...pretty low. we prepared ourselves for the worst (as well as we could, but nothing really prepares you). we prayed for a miracle...that she would in fact go to term so that we could see her alive, even just for 5 minutes. as you know, that did not happen. i have been pretty open with my feelings and my grief from the beginning. that openness has helped me process each stage of grief and then move on to the next phase. some emotions have been easier than others, but i cant seem to get over this issue that i have been carrying around for the last almost 2 weeks. i am hoping that getting it out in the open will help me process. of course, God has already started working on me through the message at church this week (we went last night).
so, i am frustrated that i am not pregnant yet. we have been trying the last few months. i know that this sounds bratty...im sorry. i didnt have to "try" to have Charlotte, it happened the first month. i thought that maybe because Charlotte was born early (not at term like we were praying) that we would get pregnant right away, otherwise, why did she have to be taken from us so early? why didnt i get to see her alive for just a few moments? when i wasnt pregnant by her due date i was REALLY frustrated. peter and i want to be parents so badly. it seems to happen for others so easily...why are we being asked to continue with this grief without a positive to cling to? i know that this is not really the case, but that is what i am thinking lately. yes, i know that it will happen when it is supposed to. i "get" that God is in control, but when do i get to start dreaming again? well, i am dreaming, but not the dreams that i like having.
ok, so, last night at church we were in week 10 of 11 on a study of the book of james. when we got to church i was already emotional after spending the day around a lot of little babies at my "fake sister" maggie's grad party. when we pulled out of the driveway to go to church i looked at peter...that was all...he knew exactly what i was thinking...he was thinking it too...we just want to have our own family. so, again, i was already emotional when i went into church. before the sermon, we had communion and i prayed about all that i was feeling...knowing that i was allowing some of my frustration to keep me from being real with God. at the end of communion we sang hillsong's "you hold me now" (see bottom of post for the song). i totally lost it! i know that Charlotte is now perfect in the presence of God and that He is holding her close. THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO BE! at that moment that was all i could think of...Jesus, just come back now, please, i am ready! i was so sad...while i am so glad that Charlotte is not in pain and is perfect, i want her here. i want my baby! i want my family! james 5:7-12 is all about having patience in suffering. of course that was the passage for the sermon...of course! please...if you are going through any type of trial in your life or any type of suffering, listen to the whole sermon (titled macrothumos). i had so many notes that i cant type them all. but one of the biggest things that i came away with is "God does not get distracted." suffering does not happen because God wasnt paying attention, or because he was distracted (i.e. God isnt texting while driving). God is always in control, nothing gets past Him. God never makes a mistake! do i know this? yes. did i need a reminder? YES! God knew what He was doing when He called Charlotte home at 22 weeks. He hasnt forgotten about me, even if it feels that way. He is still there, giving me His full attention.
i was also reminded how much i suck in the patience department. in the passage we see that the farmers are patient with uncontrollable situations, prophets were patient with unchangeable situations, and job was patient with unexplainable situations...and me, i am not patient with anything. verse 11 says that i will be blessed if i persevere in my suffering with patience. i know that i will still face fears and insecurities. i know that i cant control God's will in my life (good thing, i would not be good at that!). i do know that God loves me, that He did not mess up and that He has good things in store for me. everything that happens here on earth is as bad as it will ever get for me...thankfully! i am so thankful for the reminder this weekend!
please pray that i will be more patient, especially with myself! please pray that i will not be frustrated by how things happen or do not happen, that i will be happy with where God has me right now!
i am writing this down and putting around the house as a reminder this week!
psalm 121
"I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore!!!!"
there are not enough words to express my appreciation for my mom. today is mother's day...im sad that i didnt get to spend it with my mom celebrating her. i did call her, and i think she knows how much i love her, even if i am not always sure of the right way to show her. over the last few months, my mom has been one of the first people that i call/go to when i am feeling down/jealous/angry, etc. my mom...who is one of the strongest people i know...understands what i am feeling first hand. my mom (and dad of course) lost her first baby due to stillbirth at 25 weeks (or so, back then they didnt count by weeks) and a miscarriage between my two brothers. mom and i never really talked about her baby loss journey until recently. i always knew that mom had a baby boy before me, but that was really it. now knowing what this feels like, i catch myself thinking about my mom so differently. i know that i did not always make things easy for her, so dealing with my sass along with grieving for a baby was probably pretty hard at times, but she never made me feel anything other than loved.
i called mom on friday morning. i was struggling with some of my own jealous thoughts and self pity and pretty much started sobbing on the phone. to say that neither one of us deals with emotion very well is an understatement. but instead of hurrying to hang up, my mom told me that she loved me, that what i felt was normal, that things will work out even when it doesnt seem like it. i sat there and cried and she cried with me. i have needed my mom a lot the last four months and she is always right there.
mother's days was a day that i was dreading. i am a mom, but it is hard to celebrate. i am so thankful to everyone that sent me text messages, emails, facebook posts and cards loving me as Charlotte Jean's mom. i have been a little sad off and on today, but i tried to be thankful for all that God has given me...especially my mom!!
i bet Charlotte and her uncle, my sweet older brother, are up in Heaven playing together and laughin it up! it will be so awesome when my mom, who is the best mom ever, gets to meet her two angel babies and her angel grandbaby...we are all so blessed to have her!!
i gave this song to my mom on a mixed cd years ago and i still love it!! :) taking it old school with backstreet boys!
look how happy my mom is here! watching me play dress up!
playing dress up again a few years later...a little more serious this time!
i love you, mom! thanks for being there for me, especially when it was probably not always easy for you! thanks for doing "real life" with me the past few months as both my mom and my friend!! :) i hope that i can be as strong and faithful as you!!
Ezekiel 16:44 "Everyone who quotes proverbs will quote this proverb about you, 'Like mother, like daughter'."
i have aways wondered why we call today "good" friday. what makes it good? why is easter sunday not called good sunday instead? i mean, today is the day that Jesus was brutally tortured and murdered in front of friends and family and plenty of enemies. what was so good about the sin in my life that nailed Christ to the cross? whats good is when he rose from the dead, against all odds, and went on to Heaven to prepare a place for me. today, i do not feel good about what happened just over 2,000 years ago to pay the price for me.
this year, as i think about good friday, i cant help but think about mary. mary, Jesus's mom, had to watch her son be sentenced to death by crucifixion. she had to watch her beloved son, who had never done anything wrong, be beaten and bloodied to an unrecognizable pulp. she watched him get crowned with thorns and carry his cross to the hill where he was hung. she had to stand by while her son was asked to bear the sin of the world, including her own. i am sure that at that point she did not feel blessed to be Jesus's mom. in the beginning, before He was born, she questioned God's choice...i bet just over 30 years later she was still questioning God's ways. i cant imagine that there was anything good about that friday for mary as she became a mother with a deep loss. the good came sunday, when she (i assume) saw her Son ascend into Heaven.
did mary grieve the loss of Jesus after he went to Heaven? she knew for a long time, maybe before his birth, that he would have to take on the world's sin and die, so did she start grieving before He was born? did she pray, like Jesus in the garden, for God to change His mind, or did she know that this needed to happen so that mother and son could spend eternity together? there is never a good reason when someone looses a child, but is the loss of Jesus's life different? is it different to mary? so many questions.
i have been pretty emotional the last few days. partly just the normal grief, partly my selfishness wanting to have charlotte here with me...i had been looking forward to going to church this easter sunday in a cute, spring maternity dress, excited about her upcoming arrival in just a few weeks. i am also emotional as i reflect on what in my life put Jesus on the cross. a lot of that lies in my selfishness, or what happens when i act on the selfishness, at least. i have also been thinking about how i have been responding to life after loosing charlotte. after some deep, honest conversations with God, i have been reminded that i can not live my life always asking "what would charlotte think of her mom right now?" i have to live in response to the life and work on the cross of Jesus Christ. i have said that i want charlotte's life to be more than just a sad story, but i also have to allow God to direct my paths.
please pray that i will be open to how God is working in my life. like a friend said...i have to stop asking "why not?" and start asking "what now?" please pray that i can keep my self pity in check.
Isaiah 43:2,5 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.
Romans 6:8-11 "Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:10-12 "I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."
I was going to wait until friday, Good Friday, to share these songs, but i couldnt wait. Good Friday is the day we, as believers, stop to reflect on the work that Jesus did on the cross. Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice for each of us by being tortured, beaten, spit on, nailed to a wooden cross, pierced with a sword, and most importantly, taking on every one of our sins and dying. thankfully, i know that is not how it ends, but it is still very important to not forget all the Jesus gave up and took on for me. it is mind boggling if i really think about it. Easter has always been an emotional "holiday" for me as i think about the price Jesus Christ paid, but this year has been a little different. i cant help but thinking about the celebration that the people in Heaven must have during Holy Week...i mean because of the life, death, and resurrection of Christ, they are given eternal life in heaven. i cant but think that there must be a week long celebration of thanks. Charlotte is in Heaven having a party with so many others, praising and thanking Jesus for what He did for all of us.
this last sunday, Palm Sunday, we sang one of my (right now) favorite songs by casting crowns. gloriousday is one of those songs that just stops me where i am at and makes me say thank you.
we also sang paul baloche's glorious. during this song, the kids choir came out and filled the front of the stage and the aisles, singing and waving colorful banners in praise. it brought me to tears...made me think that maybe that is what charlotte is doing in celebration! i wish i could find a youtube video of it...but trust me, it was awesome!!
this last video brings me right back to college. i was in a gospel choir for several years, even traveling for a summer to australia with an ensemble. we sang a lot of kirk franklin. this song, hosanna, was always a favorite (and sang at every outing down under) and reminds me of the joy of praising! an amazing song for easter.
i hope that these songs help you think about what this week and weekend really mean...a whole lot more than candy and bunnies, for sure!
i drove to michigan this morning...to spend a few days with my family. when i am in the car alone, regardless of the length of time, i tend to call people and chat it up. when i drive to michigan i know that i have the first 2 hours with good phone service and then there is almost 2 more hours with horrid reception and i will be stuck with me, myself, and my singing voice. peter loves that when he is in the car with me...NOT! :) but i love it when he is not there because he cant razz me about not knowing the words or my choice in music! today i spent almost the entire first two hours talking with my high school gal pal, pooter (aka kristin). we talked about the 10 year reunion coming up, our kids, sports, and family. i love talking with pooter because its like nothing has changed...its like we are sitting at her house on the couch, not hundreds of miles apart. the last 2 hours of the drive today were not that bad because it was such a beautiful sunny day...freezing, but so pretty! i didnt bother with cds or my ipod, i just scanned the radio which makes for super random and usually half finished songs. just as i was crossing over the michigan state line i found a radio station play a song i had never heard. my interest was piqued and decided to listen...i was quickly hooked. i waited somewhat impatiently for the song to finish, hoping to find out the artist and title so that i could text myself...i got lucky. i want to tell you a little bit about the artist and then have you listen to the song. if this is not perfect for so many of us, including myself, then i dont know what is!
laura story lives in atlanta with her hubby. she is known in the christian recording world and had won several dove awards in nashville. the song that got me, blessings, was written after the story's journey with cancer. laura's husband, martin, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. at one point martin was alive because of breathing machines and he has since experienced memory loss and significant post-operative vision loss. the faith laura has written and sang about (she wrote "indescribable" sung and performed by chris tomlin) was challenged and put to the test. laura says“Martin hasn’t received complete healing—and that can be hard at times when we view God as all-powerful and all-loving. But here we are now saying, ‘Yes, this is how faith works.’ God has proven to be faithful. We have been truly blessed out of a circumstance that at first didn’t seem like much of a blessing at all. Laura's perspective has also changed for the better; the words of James 1:2 (Consider it a great joy . . . whenever you experience various trials) ring especially true and duly influence the joyful, wisdom-loving tone throughout Blessings. “Don’t get the wrong idea. It hasn’t been easy, everyone wants to be a mature and equipped follower, but would I have signed up had I known what it would take? God has grown us up, deepened our faith, our awareness of our great need for him as a Savior, daily. We knew it before, but we didn’t see it. This is a good place to be.” please follow the link abouve to see the full bio and story on this incredible song. after listening for the first time, i couldnt wait to get to mom's to listen again to hear if i really heard the song correctly. listen...and feel that God has so much for you and for me, even in the hard times!
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
first and most important I am a child of God, loved unconditionally and saved by His grace. I have been married to my best friend, Peter, since 2006. We are blessed beyond belief! Life is crazy and super short, so why not share it with everyone...we can laugh and learn together!!
Posts
