Dear Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Four years ago today we saw your sweet face for the first and last time here on earth. For months after you were born I was so sad, depressed, heartbroken, beat up from loosing you. I wanted you so badly from the very first moment I knew I was pregnant. The first time I heard your little fast heart beat at 7wks, I was totally in love with you. Later, when we found out you were sick, I pleaded and begged God to heal you, to "fix" you. I wanted you with me until I was old and grey.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, had a much better plan for you. Today, we are celebrating what would be your 4th birthday with us. But, sweetie, I know that you get to celebrate everyday. You are perfect in Heaven. You are whole, healthy, and clothed in righteousness!

I will be honest. Charlotte, mommy misses you, very dearly! I will never stop celebrating your birthday, and I will always remember all that you did to change my life, your daddy's life and the lives of so many others. You made me a mommy...you made me a mama bear in preparation for your little sisters. I know that the last three years I have used the weeks leading up to your birthday to be used for sadness and hurt and pain. I even told your daddy and others that I get a free pass to be mean and angry and on edge because of the pain in saying good bye to you much too soon. But this year I am really trying to choose joy. Joy in knowing that you are exactly where we should all want to be. Joy in knowing that you are exactly as God created us all to be...pain and sin free living with Him in celebration. I am choosing joy knowing that not every part of your life was sad...there are several people here who will meet you in Heaven one day because of your legacy and the impact it had in showing God's true character and love for them. I am choosing joy because of who you helped/are helping me to become. Your life will always be so much more than the moments surrounding my pregnancy and labor and delivery. But even those moments are sweet and part of your story...if i choose to see those.

Charlotte, yes, you will see mommy cry today. I will cry tears of different kinds...missing you tears, happy for you tears, telling your little sisters about you tears, wishing i could hug you tears, tears when i sleep with your blanket in stead of you tonight, love you forever and forever with my whole heart tears. But I promise to bring honor and glory to God in each moment knowing that because of Him I am blessed to call you my daughter, my sweet angel girl.

Charlotte, happy 4th birthday!!! I wish you were here helping me make you spaghetti and meatballs birthday dinner. I wish you were here to enjoy your birthday cake and some balloons. But I know that you are in Heaven dancing and singing and I can't wait to get there and join you!! You bring me so much JOY!!! I love you, Charlotte Jean!!!

xxoo, mommy

Timehop

timehop, you get me every time. usually my posts from a year ago are little twin pics. 2 years ago i was posting pregnancy cravings and twin prego pics. 3 years ago i was blogging a lot! 4 years ago my little bro was living with us, so that was always interesting. 5 plus years ago, i was working like crazy on building my clientele and busy being a wife to my hunk. (ps. if you don't know what timehop is...its an ap that connects with your social media outlets to give you a recap of what you posted exactly that day a year ago all the way back as far as you posted).

two weeks ago on timehop i saw my first post about "babyLo"...i announced our pregnancy with Charlotte. the thursday before my 28th birthday i heard her heart beat for the first time. i was 8 weeks pregnant. i was elated, over joyed!! nothing was "off". peter and i left that appointment with tears in our eyes bursting to tell the world.

today i got this on my timehop: "annoyed...didnt get to have the ultrasound bc the highway was shutdown while we were on it! not cool!!" looking back i remember being so disappointed. we were glad that we were safe...the highway was shut down due to a fatality, but we had been gearing up for this other first with our first. now, i know that God gave me another week of the joy. the next week we went in for the ultrasound and our world changed forever.

you know the rest.

usually i love timehop. i wonder though if i should just not look for a few months to spare myself the emotional roller coaster it may put me on. the last time we..., the day we found out..., God why..., all of the things that i posted in fear, pain, grief.

its amazing all that has happened in the last 4 years. i am not sure that i would even recognize that young woman from 4 years ago. i wonder if i would be anything like i am today if it were not for our short time with Charlotte. would we live where we live? would i know what i know about life? would i love my hubby the way i do today? most likely no. while i often look back over those few months with sadness and grief, but i have been blessed...richly, abundantly, beyond measure. i was broken, beyond human repair. but God has used me. God has healed me. God has brought me back...beyond where i ever could have gone without my time with Charlotte. my whole life was turned around and i can't be sad about that. i miss Charlotte, some moments more than others, but i know she's holding my spot for me in heaven...i can't wait!!

so, heres to the silly posts of 5+ years ago, the emotional and grief stricken of years 3-4 (ago), the excited and weird posts of 2 years and the adorable ones from last year. time passes much too quickly so i will relish the times and thank God for each of them...a reminder that "(His) love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me"-Jesus Culture.

tonight i will sleep and probably dream of my angel girl...i think her hair is the same color as the twins by the way...thats what it is in my dreams.

blessings,
ALo

Knocked the wind out of me

hi. my name is aimee and i used to blog.

so, i had been inconsistent and then i took a 1 year and 1 week break. there are reasons, nothing major, other than people stealing my kids pictures...idiots!! people, DO NOT steal my pictures, its rude and totally creepy!!! the other reason was i just didn't feel like sitting down and blogging for a while. i started my blog for me in the very beginning. then i blogged our pregnancy with Charlotte. then i blogged about our infertility issues and then my pregnancy and birth of our sweet twins, Claire and Annabel. at the time i quit blogging they were 6 months old. i can't believe it, but they are already almost 19 months old! so my blog had transformed into something i didn't really enjoy. i needed a break from it, to miss it and want to do it again.

so, here i am. my blog is entitled Alo's Place. this won't always be about my girls, it won't always make sense to any one but me. i need this to be my outlet...my processing spot. so, feel free to keep reading...or don't. its up to you. but either way here is my blog...

yesterday was a weird day. one of those days where grief creeps in and knocks the wind out of you. its been almost 4 years since we had Charlotte. four years!!!! thats just crazy to me. well, yesterday was one of those "normal" mondays in our house. i only do home hair on mondays (its gross to have hair all over my house with 2 toddlers more than just one day) so i was busy with people in and out, taking care of the girls, making dinner, etc. i really didn't have much time to think. when i sat down after putting the girls to bed, i sat down to respond to an email from a recent baby loss mom i have met through my blog. i was recalling so many things of our last days with Charlotte. typically, when talking about "our story" i am very factual, i rarely think about or explain the emotions. for some reason, last night was all emotional for me. that got me thinking about everything. i realized it was 4 years ago to the day that we found out we were pregnant with Charlotte. that gave me a huge smile. thinking back to before i had any fear of pregnancy, anxiety of doing something wrong, just pure joy in being pregnant. i was ELATED!!! i was so excited to tell Peter. i mean, we were pregnant after our first "try"!! (which is what made our journey for Claire and Annabel so confusing) anyway, that made me start thinking about it all. how our joy was stolen and our dreams for our daughter were crushed after our first ultrasound. our life took on a whole new meaning that day. then again on january 8th, i became a baby loss mom and had to leave the hospital with out my sweet girl. just typing that again brings me to tears, for the 2nd time in two days. the grief creeps in. my throat feels tight with tears.

of course God knows my heart, He knows my pain. last night, in the midst of my grief, my husband was there. he held me and let me cry. he let me talk and weep through it. we both miss her so much. we wondered how different it would be with Charlotte here...bossing her little sisters around. there is not a day that goes by that i don't wish things had been different, that i don't miss my baby girl. but this is our life...this is part of our story and sometimes there are parts that still hurt. sometimes the grief still knocks the wind out of me.

feels good to blog. thanks. also, i am sure there are plenty of grammatical and spelling errors, and i know i don't capitalize...i choose that. these are my vents and i will type as fast my fingers will let me with zero regard for rules!

blessings,
ALo

ps. i know a couple readers reached out (***Rachel :)***) and some of you found this through a search (usually my post on nuchal fold test). if you want to follow me on Instagram and see pics, just request me, its private..again because people are rude and steal images of my kids and pretend my kids are theirs...creeps!! my instagram name is aimlo. Facebook is Aimee Loeser. i will post a few pics here, but i need to figure out a watermark first.

Strange

oh, hello...yes, i know i have been a stranger. im a new mom of twins. well, not that new anymore. the girls will be 6 months tomorrow! but everything that happens is new to me. the last two months have been beyond full! we have traveled, camped, baked, shopped, picked up the home hair business again, volunteered, did an overnight with no babies...we have done so much, everything but blog. but if you follow me on instagram or Facebook then you know all of that already.

this weekend was a big weekend for us. the twins were dedicated to the Lord at church! it was strange. not strange in how things happened, or what happened. strange for me emotionally. i have wanted this day for so long. i have dreamed about this day for years. before charlotte was born, baby dedication days at church were always one of my favorites. i loved seeing the babies and little children fidgeting in their parents arms while the parents and pastor prayed over them. i loved seeing the emotions play out on the moms face as she committed to honor God in her child rearing, to help that child grow in a relationship with the Lord. i loved seeing the daddy stand there so proud of his family, yet so humbled by what God had given their family. then, after charlotte was born and up until my twins were born, i could not sit through a baby dedication service without gripping peter's hand, without crying tears of sadness and jealousy and pain. i would put my head down, not able to even look at the families. one time i faked an illness so as not to sit through a baby dedication. that may sound extreme, but i was hurting...deeply. so, now we have our twin babies here. we signed up for the saturday night service dedication as soon as we heard about it (i had somehow missed the dedication in the spring, on mothers day!). as the weekend was getting closer, and i started planning our schedule/events for the weekend around dedication i couldnt help but start to think about Charlotte (a little more than i do on average). thinking about our time with her. thinking about how we had given her to God from the moment we knew about her, just like we did with the twins. i thought about my dear friends don and marcie solin coming to pray with us as soon as charlotte was born. so saturday i was a little emotional, missing having charlotte there as we got ready for a big day in the life of our family. missed getting to dress her up in a sweet dress to stand in front of a congregation to say that we were blessed because of her. just emotional. i was honest with a few people, so as not to get overwhelmed and then get REALLY emotional. yikes! but then as i stood at the front of the worship center, i felt this peace. it was strangely unexpected. as my friend robin sang a sweet song and pastor mark prayed over our family, i felt a sense that God is still healing us but also peace knowing that my sweet girl will always be a part of our celebrations because she will always be in our thoughts and will always have her special place in our family. as we walked off after the dedication my heart broke seeing familiar tears on a woman's face. here i was, heart full of joy and peace, a feeling of excitement and pride and gratefulness, walking with my two beautiful daughters and husband, but then being stricken with the knowledge and understanding that this young woman was having a hard time being excited for me. i wanted to stop and hug her, tell her that i understand, tell her that God sees those tears. but i didn't, i couldnt. no way! its so strange because i remember when people would do that to me/for me. it doesnt help!! so i prayed for her, for her family. i felt strange feeling both sides...remembering just a year ago being right where she is. i am praying for her now. praying that God gives her the desires of her heart...soon! but i continued to walk out and we celebrated God's faithfulness with friends at dinner after church...we sure do love to eat! :)

so, that was a lot of words for what happened in just one day. :) i am so blessed by my girls. they really are the sweetest babies. yes, we have our moments each day where i wonder if God knew what He was doing giving me two at the same time. we have our times where i actually scream right along with the girls, usually its just the three of us and they arent big enough to tell on me, yet! i have plenty of strange moments...feeling like i live in some type of parallel universe...like, is this even real??!!?? but i am assuming most people feel that way when it comes to parenting, or life with children, or just life in general. but through it all, even in the times i really miss charlotte, i feel so blessed to be claire and annabel's mom. i am grateful that God gives me exactly what i need to get through each day. i am humbled by His goodness and i am thankful for His peace!

God, please help me. give me the wisdom i need to raise my children to do Your will. help me to teach them Your ways, not mine. give me the words to encourage them. God, please protect my babies from harm and direct them towards you. i give them to you, today and every day. thank you for blessing me with them. i love you more because of them. God, please help me!

here are a few pics. the gorgeous dresses and bibs came from my very sweet (and very southern, hence the monograms) precious friend, morgan. and the cute socks are from a generous friend in michigan, miss jane! thanks so much ladies for decking my girls out...i am biased but i think they were the best dressed this weekend!! :) here are just a few pictures (i took over 150!!!)

Pastor Mark praying for our babies and family

just waiting in the lobby

annabel was all geared up!

claire was hungry, but made it through

mark and laura have been praying for our family for two years! so blessed by them!!

hard to get a good one of all 4 of us, but we try!

curious claire...so sweet

she has started to embrace tummy time

annabel was pretty happy about being at home

oh my.

"claire, mom said to keep your legs down!"

look at those pursed lips of claire's! so many expressions from her! they like to be near each other...holding hands, rubbing feet, bumping heads. its so cute!!

lol

just give me my space and stop taking your clothes off!! :)

blessings, ALo

Mothers Day 2013

i couldnt post yesterday. i was pretty tired. but thanks to my amazing husband (and babies, if you ask him) i was totally spoiled! peter helped in a huge way during the night by taking care of claire! all of her feedings and diaper changes, which was amazing because the girls somehow got way off schedule from each other! i woke up to feed annabel and found some amazing gifts from the girls! daddy helped them pick out a monogram necklace with the girls initials, and a kate spade pendant and earrings. so sweet! the gifts along with cards were in their bassinets. we took it easy that morning, sleeping in and what not...we went to church saturday night (sunday morning is still a little hard to get all of us ready, fed, bathed, and to church on time). i wanted brunch at a new breakfast place in town so we headed over there. the wait was crazy, but it all worked out because we were able to feed the girls while we waited. after lunch we went home to hang out and eventually went to some freinds' house out in the country. it was a great day of relaxing and enjoying our new family of four.

i, of course, couldnt help but think of my last two mothers days. i couldnt help but think of Charlotte. i miss her so much. i think about her all the time. i wonder which of the twins would look like her. i wonder if she would be a helpful big sister or more of the jealous type. i wonder what our lives would be like with a two year old and twins...well, i know what it would be like...it would be chaotic. but i also now know that Charlotte was SUPER sick. i mean, i have always known that, but when i look at my twins and i think about all the things Charlotte was facing/would have dealt with, it is just so overwhelming. Charlotte will always be our precious, perfect little baby, but i can say with full knowledge that God knew what He was doing, even though i still miss her so much!

i know that mother's day is hard for so many women. my heart ached for them yesterday. women who have lost their mothers. women who have lost their children, their babies. women who have lost hope of having children. women who have had to say good bye to too many things much too early. my heart aches for them. some of these women are friends of mine, family of mine. and i, unfortunately, know that there is nothing i can say to ease that pain, especially if this is the first mothers day after loss. but, does it ever really change for them? this mothers day was different for me this year because i was allowed to be celebrated. i had two babies to carry around. but not everyone can do that, many of them felt the same way i have the last two years and that hurts my heart. but they are still mothers. i like what my "fake mom", Caroline, posted:

"For EVERY woman today, a mother or not.... realizing women of all ages and stages of life may be experiencing different feelings today for various reasons.... YOU ARE LOVED, and your life is valuable and important in the lives of others. Many women who are not mother's have spoken immensely into my life, and the lives of others, and I am grateful to God for your life. . . . YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are DEARLY LOVED!   Psalm 139:14"

i know that i am behind in posting 2 months photos. i am waiting until wednesday when we see the doctor for their visit...i will have their weight and height, etc. it got pushed back a week because we wanted to give the girls a chance to get over all their sicknesses before giving them shots, etc. so, i will post that this week :) 

here are a few pics from when peter's family was here the end of april and a few of me with my girls on mothers day and 2 collage pics to show how much our girls look just like us!! :) plus just a few others from here and there. enjoy! 

casual in their jeans and tshirts. annabel on left, claire right

claire all swaddled up at nap time

annabel was having a good dream

lol, claire was obviously totally relaxed

claire may not have been loving the ruffles

annabel wasnt sure either

all ready for bed! they wanted to sleep with mom and dad!

pretty sure those socks are 1/3 of her body! lol 

annabel's fit a little better

mothers day gift from claire

mothers day gift from annabel

claire was rocking daddy's shades while we waited for brunch

so precious! love you, claire! 

i am on the left and annabel is on the right. we are twins!

peter is on the left, claire is on the right! twins!

claire looks good in vera bradley!

so does annabel! starting them young!

annabel was so alert

claire may have been mid cough

aunt laura, mom with annabel, dad with claire, grandpa 

the LOtwins love their aunt Laura

babies and grandpa

mom, this sun is too bright!!! (ps. i remember saying this to my mom ALL the time growing up!!)

annabel smiling for me!! 

snuggles on mothers day with annabel

bed time kisses from claire on mothers day

blessings, ALo

Home Stretch

woohoo!!! we are 28 weeks today...3rd trimester!!! i cant believe in about 8 weeks these LoTwins will be here! some days it feels this pregnancy has just flown by, some days it feels like its dragging. usually those "dragging" days are because i have done too much through out the day. but really and truly, i feel great! here are a few quick little things about how things are going...

* this week i have been craving frosted mini wheat cereal
* i have been up to no good again...lots of baking! anyone have any requests?? i really shouldnt eat any more sweets!
* i am no longer doing full days of hair. last week after a full day i had braxton hicks.
* i have been pretty "homesick" (hence the post about mom) but was so excited when she called to tell me she is visiting in three weeks, i cant wait!!!
* my first baby shower is this monday...i have no idea what to wear!
* i am still working at the church, just sitting down a little more.
* claire and annabel have been moving like crazy!! i love that feeling, even when they make me slightly uncomfortable.
* i do feel like i am running out of room.
* they are each supposed to be about 15 in. long, but last time we checked, they were two weeks ahead in length. like dr. todd said, "huge babies"
* i measured my belly last night...it is 47.5 inches around!
* my belly button is barely there...such a strange feeling/sight.
* stretch marks...yep! right now just on the front of my belly, but they are pretty bright!!
* i am now up 22.5 pounds.
* its weird when your big pregnant belly makes your "girls up top" look small!! lol
* my biggest complaint is heartburn, but that is more than manageable!!!
* i am still sleeping, but not as well as i used to.
* the nursery is coming together...lots of little things to do, but so cute, even if i say so myself (pics to come soon)
* i am so blessed and i cant wait to meet these girls...hopefully sometime after march 13!!

here are two belly pics from the last few days...

Sunday after church. 27 weeks 5 days

27 week 6 days (last night). my mom bought me this cute shirt, so i had to show her how it looked. i also colored my hair in the morning but chose to forgo makeup (a common thing now days)

here are a few pics from charlotte's birthday celebration...i forgot to post them last week.

2nd birthday balloons. we released our note balloons and kept the mylar.

mommy's note to her baby girl!

daddy's note to his sweet girl!

Charlotte's 2nd bday cake. it was pretty good! 

3rd trimeseter...i am glad to meet you!! lets get to know each other for at least 7 weeks!

blessings, ALo

2

this time 2 years ago, i was in labor. i am still somewhat amazed that it has been two years since we first laid eyes on sweet Charlotte. well, she actually came on the 8th, but i am sitting here thinking about it all right now.

a few things are still the same and some things are different, even from last year. of course things are different...i am pregnant...with two! we are still so amazed that God has given us a double rainbow! i think some of the emotional stress is gone because we have the hope of more children this year, but there will always be a part of us that will always be raw from the pain of saying good bye to our first born. i think a lot about the post that i wrote not long after we said good bye (its a gusher)...comparing this journey to someone that looses a finger. my heart no longer feels as though it is hemorrhaging. in fact, unless you know me very well, or read this blog, you may not see the scars of saying good bye. you probably dont even know that we had to do that. the scars do not surface as much as they used to. but they are there. i can see them, i can feel them, there are times of pain, but not at all as often or nearly as intense. until about this time. Charlotte's birthday.

its not just her birthday that bring back some of the pain, although, we will always wish she were here to actually eat her birthday cake with us! this year, some of that pain is resurfacing through the prayers i am praying for bekah and her babies. peter and i were just talking over lunch today how much it feels like how we prayed when we first prayed for Charlotte. it was like that when i prayed with lisa for jaxton, it was like that when i prayed with piper for declan. my prayers for claire and annabel are so different than my prayers for Charlotte and for the bell's babies. i am pleading once again for God to grant life. to give them full term pregnancy. i am praying for the irregular sac to become perfectly normal. for bekah's levels to continue to rise. i find myself waking up at night being able to do nothing more than pray and plead and ask God to be merciful and grant this blessing to bekah and trav. that all takes me back to our time with Charlotte. even up to the night we were in labor, peter and i were still praying that God would change things. that Charlotte's heartbeat would somehow come back. that she would be fine. that He would give us a miracle. we never wanted to say good bye.

today, i can look back and see so many things that have changed or grown because of our short time with Charlotte. my faith is much deeper. i am able to take a step in faith knowing that God will make the way possible if i just trust Him. my relationship with peter is stronger. our love for each other has reached heights some people never see in marriage. my time with family is much more sacred to me than before...knowing that this is the family God has given me to love and be loved by.

this year peter and i will release balloons when he gets home from work. then we are going to dinner and having birthday cake. birthday cake may be more because i just want cake and this is a good excuse. :) i did just finish painting my nails in "Charlotte purple" too. we will both still go to work, have a "normal" day to anyone thats looking on the outside, but on the inside will be thinking about my Charlotte and celebrating the moments that we spent with her two years ago.

Charlotte, daddy and i love you so much! we wish more than anything that you were here to celebrate your 2nd birthday with us! i know that you are having so much more fun in heaven...maybe i wish i was there with you then. :) you mean more to us than you will ever know. our lives will never be the same. i cant wait to see you, but i think your sisters need me here for a little bit. i know that you are looking down just as excited about claire and annabel joining the family as we are. of course, it would have been nice to have parenting practice with your first, but i am relieved that you are healthy and perfect and sitting with Jesus! i love you, sweet baby girl!! xxoo, mommy

blessings, ALo

Belated Pictures

i can not believe another week is almost over...or just starting...either way. this month is just flying by, which means this pregnancy seems to be flying by. a few months back, when i felt so sick, i would not have said that at all! well, i am feeling great (except for a few minor things) and have been so busy traveling, working, planning, etc. that i rarely make the time to sit down and blog about much of anything. guess this is the start of my busy life being a mommy to twins!! :)

we are so excited about having two more little girls!! claire and annabel are already so spoiled by so many people...lots of love has been poured out from people near and far. thank you to all who have been praying for all four of us!! things are still going great!!! when we went (almost 2 weeks ago) for our big ultrasound, they were both VERY healthy...in fact the first thing my doctor said was "well, these babies are HUGE!" lol!! i guess that is not a huge surprise knowing that peter is 6'9". i actually had to go in this week for a minor little thing (blasted UTI...not cool, but apparently very common, esp with twins). but, going in meant hearing their heartbeats again...most wonderful sound in the world!!!

this week has been a little bit more, i dont know, stressful, i guess. i am a little more paranoid about the smallest things. when was the last time i felt movement, what is different this week than last, am i doing all that i am supposed to, am i doing those things the way i am supposed to (ps. the whole sleep on your  left side ONLY is kinda hard for me...not normal). all of this extra thought and care because we said good-bye to our Charlotte at 22wks 6days. today i am 22wks 3days. part of my anxiety is knowing that something bad could still happen, the other part is because i am coming into uncharted waters. not that there is anything about this pregnancy that is the same as our time with Charlotte, but still. so, just pray that God continues to give me peace as He grows these babies for the next (hopefully) 14 weeks!!!

ok, so here are a few pictures of our sweet baby girls!! these are all from last week's big ultrasound.

Baby A: Claire Mackenzie

Claire's feet

Claire is definitely a girl!!

Baby B: Annabel Marie

Again, no question, Annabel is a girl! 

i will go back the 20th for another appointment, including an ultrasound. this begins my every two week appointment schedule with an ultrasound every other time.

thanks again for all the love, support, encouragement, prayers, gifts, messages, and calls!!! we are so blessed to have so many people love us and our girls!!

blessings, ALo

ps. the nursery is just starting to come along. i promise to post a few pics as we get things done. right now it is just the cribs. :)