Dear Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Four years ago today we saw your sweet face for the first and last time here on earth. For months after you were born I was so sad, depressed, heartbroken, beat up from loosing you. I wanted you so badly from the very first moment I knew I was pregnant. The first time I heard your little fast heart beat at 7wks, I was totally in love with you. Later, when we found out you were sick, I pleaded and begged God to heal you, to "fix" you. I wanted you with me until I was old and grey.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, had a much better plan for you. Today, we are celebrating what would be your 4th birthday with us. But, sweetie, I know that you get to celebrate everyday. You are perfect in Heaven. You are whole, healthy, and clothed in righteousness!

I will be honest. Charlotte, mommy misses you, very dearly! I will never stop celebrating your birthday, and I will always remember all that you did to change my life, your daddy's life and the lives of so many others. You made me a mommy...you made me a mama bear in preparation for your little sisters. I know that the last three years I have used the weeks leading up to your birthday to be used for sadness and hurt and pain. I even told your daddy and others that I get a free pass to be mean and angry and on edge because of the pain in saying good bye to you much too soon. But this year I am really trying to choose joy. Joy in knowing that you are exactly where we should all want to be. Joy in knowing that you are exactly as God created us all to be...pain and sin free living with Him in celebration. I am choosing joy knowing that not every part of your life was sad...there are several people here who will meet you in Heaven one day because of your legacy and the impact it had in showing God's true character and love for them. I am choosing joy because of who you helped/are helping me to become. Your life will always be so much more than the moments surrounding my pregnancy and labor and delivery. But even those moments are sweet and part of your story...if i choose to see those.

Charlotte, yes, you will see mommy cry today. I will cry tears of different kinds...missing you tears, happy for you tears, telling your little sisters about you tears, wishing i could hug you tears, tears when i sleep with your blanket in stead of you tonight, love you forever and forever with my whole heart tears. But I promise to bring honor and glory to God in each moment knowing that because of Him I am blessed to call you my daughter, my sweet angel girl.

Charlotte, happy 4th birthday!!! I wish you were here helping me make you spaghetti and meatballs birthday dinner. I wish you were here to enjoy your birthday cake and some balloons. But I know that you are in Heaven dancing and singing and I can't wait to get there and join you!! You bring me so much JOY!!! I love you, Charlotte Jean!!!

xxoo, mommy

fall in houston

its finally cooling off here...FINALLY!!! and by cooling off, today was 76, tomorrow is 80, but then the end of the week the highs are around 65. houston weather is seriously crazy bipolar!! but, our amazingly talented friend Christie Lacy got some awesome fall pictures for us almost two weeks ago. she has this great little park that we go to and no one has ever been around or bothered us. if you follow me on social media you have seen three of the pics. i am debating on how many christmas cards i really want to send out this year, but i will do a few, so some of you will see these in card form in a few weeks.

these pictures are by far my favorite that Christie has taken for us. it was pretty warm (82ish), just before dinner, and there were lots of mosquitos. not to mention the girls turned 20 months today, which means they are super mobile, vocal about what they want or don't want, and they have the attention span of a gnat. we are so blessed to have a high school friend/mentee that has started helping us out twice a week, so she was there to help wrangle kids/change clothes/grab attention/apply bug spray...thanks Breton!!! anyway...i loved that Christie didn't worry about posed pictures. these are my favorites because it was real life...laughs, lots of running, goldfish eating, giggles with daddy, a few tears, but over all shows how we all interact with each other. these girls are animated. they are serious characters in their own way. you will see, even in these pictures, that claire is bossy, loves to be in charge, loud, and acts a lot like mommy. annabel is sensitive, somewhat emotional and reserved just like daddy!

if you are in the houston area and need a fantastically talented photographer to capture your family, you have to contact Christie!!!

enjoy these...maybe help me decide what to put on the card. (ps. these are a few of the 72 that she sent me!!!)

Claire in mid "bull in a china shop" run

this is a typical expression for a lot of things, but i am pretty sure she was concerned about a bug here.

the moment Daddy got there and they saw him come around the corner. priceless

sweet annabel. she really wanted her minnie mouse

too many caption options. 

claire keeping us all entertained, I'm sure.

maybe if we throw them around they will stop fussing for a bit.

"WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEE"

daddy's girl (1 of 2)

every kid is infatuatied with their nose, right??!! Annabel was signing and saying "mo, mo" more, snacks dad!!

seesters

oh my...A, are you flipping Christie off??!!??

perfect...nice and naughty!

sweet girl, annabel

love

how are they so big already???

momma's girl (1 of 2)

melt my heart

<3 td="">

my loves

blessings,
ALo

Timehop

timehop, you get me every time. usually my posts from a year ago are little twin pics. 2 years ago i was posting pregnancy cravings and twin prego pics. 3 years ago i was blogging a lot! 4 years ago my little bro was living with us, so that was always interesting. 5 plus years ago, i was working like crazy on building my clientele and busy being a wife to my hunk. (ps. if you don't know what timehop is...its an ap that connects with your social media outlets to give you a recap of what you posted exactly that day a year ago all the way back as far as you posted).

two weeks ago on timehop i saw my first post about "babyLo"...i announced our pregnancy with Charlotte. the thursday before my 28th birthday i heard her heart beat for the first time. i was 8 weeks pregnant. i was elated, over joyed!! nothing was "off". peter and i left that appointment with tears in our eyes bursting to tell the world.

today i got this on my timehop: "annoyed...didnt get to have the ultrasound bc the highway was shutdown while we were on it! not cool!!" looking back i remember being so disappointed. we were glad that we were safe...the highway was shut down due to a fatality, but we had been gearing up for this other first with our first. now, i know that God gave me another week of the joy. the next week we went in for the ultrasound and our world changed forever.

you know the rest.

usually i love timehop. i wonder though if i should just not look for a few months to spare myself the emotional roller coaster it may put me on. the last time we..., the day we found out..., God why..., all of the things that i posted in fear, pain, grief.

its amazing all that has happened in the last 4 years. i am not sure that i would even recognize that young woman from 4 years ago. i wonder if i would be anything like i am today if it were not for our short time with Charlotte. would we live where we live? would i know what i know about life? would i love my hubby the way i do today? most likely no. while i often look back over those few months with sadness and grief, but i have been blessed...richly, abundantly, beyond measure. i was broken, beyond human repair. but God has used me. God has healed me. God has brought me back...beyond where i ever could have gone without my time with Charlotte. my whole life was turned around and i can't be sad about that. i miss Charlotte, some moments more than others, but i know she's holding my spot for me in heaven...i can't wait!!

so, heres to the silly posts of 5+ years ago, the emotional and grief stricken of years 3-4 (ago), the excited and weird posts of 2 years and the adorable ones from last year. time passes much too quickly so i will relish the times and thank God for each of them...a reminder that "(His) love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me"-Jesus Culture.

tonight i will sleep and probably dream of my angel girl...i think her hair is the same color as the twins by the way...thats what it is in my dreams.

blessings,
ALo

Happens to the best of us

postpartem hair loss...it happens to the best of us. i knew all about it. i knew that it is more than normal (can something be more than normal??) when a woman is pregnant she does not shed hair the months she is pregnant. it is her bodies natural defense to protect the baby. once the baby comes and her hormones level out (usually once mom is no longer nursing the baby, or greatly decreases her production) she sheds all the hair she would have lost while pregnant plus the 40-100 "normal loss" hairs. its shocking!! its even more shocking when you have very fine and thin stringy hair like me. its completely shocking when most of your loss is around the front hairline, again like me. it was gross. my hair loss started around 7 weeks postpartum. nursing did not go well for me and the twins. i think i have mentioned that before. but if not, in all reality i was pretty upset about it and it really sucked. we are over it now. i cant go back and change any of it. so, around week 7 i was pretty much completely dry and my hair was everywhere! every time i would look down my shirt had a good 10-15 hairs on it. i would pick them off, get up and thrown them away and then realize one or both of the babies was also covered in my lost hair. peter was completely grossed out. and when i say it was mostly in the front, around my hair line, i am not kidding. i looked like i was a middle aged man. i had a receding hairline and a thin patch in the very front. i was super self conscience when my hair was pulled back. well lets fast forward about 4 months. my hair is now coming back. its crazy! of course i now look like i have side burns and "angel hairs" all in the front (especially where my hair parts) and all down my part. in case you havent seen me, or just dont know, i have been growing my hair out since july 2012 including my bangs. my hair is longer than it has been since my wedding! and i have had bangs since middle school! i have enjoyed longer hair...being able to curl it, pull it back, etc. but now i am rethinking that! these little short hairs all over my head sure would blend in better if my hair was shorter and bangs help blend, but i think either way i am going to have awkward hair for a while. good thing i love these babies and they are totally worth sideburns and porcupine hairs! 

here are a few pics for ya!!

last thursday our friend Juliet came over, she is 3 months old. their first play date together!

see those little hairs..yep they are all along my hair line! 

Annabel, Briggs, Claire. briggs is our little buddy (just as big as annabel but a month younger) and came to visit friday. claire is already trying to make the moves!! lol 

sweet annabel! 

crazy claire, i love you! ps. she got 2 teeth in 4 days! 

perfecting her little wave on our way to church saturday night

annabel wasnt sure if she really wanted to leave the house

on our way to the BBQ cook off, claire needed her thumb to tide her over!

the twins and i at the annual COF Texans Tailgate. please excuse my face...i forgot my makeup on the way out the door! ewwww!! 

blessings, ALo

Dumb Question

people say there is no such thing as a dumb question. i TOTALLY disagree!!! listen, i have worked with middle school students for a long time. i have worked in the salon world where i have met all kinds of people. but i have met more oblivious/dumb people in the last 6 months than i have in my entire life!!!! i am not trying to be rude and i try even harder not to be sarcastic or insensitive or say all the remarks i really want to say when i have to respond. yes, this is a little bit of a rant post, but this is my life just about every day now, and to be fair, i will only address the three biggest stupid questions.

1. "Oh, one boy and one girl?" "Oh, two boys?"
i am not even kidding you that i think i can count on one hand the people that have have said "oh, two girls?" i mean, the fact that you have to question is crazy. if you have ever seen me and my GIRLS out in public, there should never EVER be a question!! most days they are dressed head to toe in pink/ruffles/flowers or some combination and if they are not i make sure they have their pink blankets AND a bow or headband on. but besides that, their car seats are ALL PINK and have PINK toys hanging from the handle. yes, i know that in todays society, some boys wear pink, but when was the last time you saw a baby boy in a pink car seat with a bow on his head? dumb question!! but i really do try to be polite because i know people do not pay attention.

2. "Oh, are they twins?"

i have seen this several places and i laugh each and every time i see it!!

this may not happen EVERY time we are out, but pretty close and i almost always want to respond with the above answer, but choose instead to give a little smile and say "yes, they are!" then in most cases they respond with dumb question #1 or with what i will write about in #3. but seriously, in how many situations do you see a person pushing a double stroller with two infant car seats (or two children that look VERY similar in age) and it turn out those kids are not twins? maybe when the girls are older i will expect this question to be more appropriate. after all, they probably will not look just like each other, and i may not always dress them alike, and annabel may always be a bit bigger than claire...ok, i get it then. but right now? i mean i am pushing a double stroller that has two identical carseats on it with two babies that are always dressed alike or coordinating. so, yes, they are twins. next... :)

3. let me preface this one...i have really only had this said/happen 3 times in the last 6 months but it is very fresh in my mind because it happened today at church. also...2 out of the 3 times, a man has said it... :) most times people say something about me having my hands full with 2 babies, but here's one for ya...

"oh, twins...probably not much different than one kid." 

are you serious???!!?? i am pretty sure that the one lady who said that has never had a child and the guys, well, seriously...! yes, i have really good babies and not just good for twins, just good babies. even in the midst of teething, they are happy! sure we have our moments of tiredness and frustration and hunger crying, but for the most part, my girls are easy! but, that being said, it is still (i think) much more work than just having one baby. from the get go, growing two babies is more taxing (my BP was an issue with the twins but never once was my BP high when i was pregnant with Charlotte). i was immediately a "high risk pregnancy" because there was two babies. from the beginning its double the stuff...paperwork in the hospital, carseats, bassinets, a double stroller, blankets, pacifiers, bottles...everything. which then leads to double the amount of stuff to take care of (blankets, clothes, pacifiers, etc.), double the laundry, double the bottle making, double the bottle cleaning, DOUBLE THE DIAPERS!!! yeah, someone's butt or nose or drool always needs to be wiped. most days i look around and feel like a baby store threw up in my house...there is stuff every where, but we use it. at some point each day both the bouncy seat and the swing are each in use, the carpet has a quilt with at least one baby in a boppy pillow while i work the other on scooting/crawling, there are two high chairs in the kitchen covered in baby oatmeal but both babies are learning to eat real food (meaning there is more on me and the highchair and the floor than what gets in their mouth). there is always a pile of clean clothes somewhere in my house with an equally big pile of dirty clothes waiting to be washed. even traveling to see family (airplane travel) is literally impossible for me to do without another adult. please hear me say this is not me complaining!!!! i know that each new mom has a lot of new adjustments. i know that we all need to find our new balance of how to make it all happen. but, i do not think that having one baby is just like having two. but when that is said, instead of listing all of the things that makes it different, i will continue to smile, shrug my shoulders and say "i am not sure!". because that really is the truth. maybe its not different. i love both of my girls and i love that my life seems crazy and busy and hard sometimes because i have both of them! i get double the smiles, double the baby gurgles and bubbles, double the morning cuddles and bed time stories, double the fun all around! but, if anyone wants to come clean my house i will let you! ;)

there are plenty of other dumb questions that i have heard...i guess it just keeps me on my toes. :)

and now my friends...its 9:38pm...the babies have been asleep for almost 2 hours, the dish washer is running, the washing machine is running and i worked all three services at church this weekend. im tired so IM GOING TO SLEEP, at 9:38!!!! hahaha!!!

blessings, ALo

Strange

oh, hello...yes, i know i have been a stranger. im a new mom of twins. well, not that new anymore. the girls will be 6 months tomorrow! but everything that happens is new to me. the last two months have been beyond full! we have traveled, camped, baked, shopped, picked up the home hair business again, volunteered, did an overnight with no babies...we have done so much, everything but blog. but if you follow me on instagram or Facebook then you know all of that already.

this weekend was a big weekend for us. the twins were dedicated to the Lord at church! it was strange. not strange in how things happened, or what happened. strange for me emotionally. i have wanted this day for so long. i have dreamed about this day for years. before charlotte was born, baby dedication days at church were always one of my favorites. i loved seeing the babies and little children fidgeting in their parents arms while the parents and pastor prayed over them. i loved seeing the emotions play out on the moms face as she committed to honor God in her child rearing, to help that child grow in a relationship with the Lord. i loved seeing the daddy stand there so proud of his family, yet so humbled by what God had given their family. then, after charlotte was born and up until my twins were born, i could not sit through a baby dedication service without gripping peter's hand, without crying tears of sadness and jealousy and pain. i would put my head down, not able to even look at the families. one time i faked an illness so as not to sit through a baby dedication. that may sound extreme, but i was hurting...deeply. so, now we have our twin babies here. we signed up for the saturday night service dedication as soon as we heard about it (i had somehow missed the dedication in the spring, on mothers day!). as the weekend was getting closer, and i started planning our schedule/events for the weekend around dedication i couldnt help but start to think about Charlotte (a little more than i do on average). thinking about our time with her. thinking about how we had given her to God from the moment we knew about her, just like we did with the twins. i thought about my dear friends don and marcie solin coming to pray with us as soon as charlotte was born. so saturday i was a little emotional, missing having charlotte there as we got ready for a big day in the life of our family. missed getting to dress her up in a sweet dress to stand in front of a congregation to say that we were blessed because of her. just emotional. i was honest with a few people, so as not to get overwhelmed and then get REALLY emotional. yikes! but then as i stood at the front of the worship center, i felt this peace. it was strangely unexpected. as my friend robin sang a sweet song and pastor mark prayed over our family, i felt a sense that God is still healing us but also peace knowing that my sweet girl will always be a part of our celebrations because she will always be in our thoughts and will always have her special place in our family. as we walked off after the dedication my heart broke seeing familiar tears on a woman's face. here i was, heart full of joy and peace, a feeling of excitement and pride and gratefulness, walking with my two beautiful daughters and husband, but then being stricken with the knowledge and understanding that this young woman was having a hard time being excited for me. i wanted to stop and hug her, tell her that i understand, tell her that God sees those tears. but i didn't, i couldnt. no way! its so strange because i remember when people would do that to me/for me. it doesnt help!! so i prayed for her, for her family. i felt strange feeling both sides...remembering just a year ago being right where she is. i am praying for her now. praying that God gives her the desires of her heart...soon! but i continued to walk out and we celebrated God's faithfulness with friends at dinner after church...we sure do love to eat! :)

so, that was a lot of words for what happened in just one day. :) i am so blessed by my girls. they really are the sweetest babies. yes, we have our moments each day where i wonder if God knew what He was doing giving me two at the same time. we have our times where i actually scream right along with the girls, usually its just the three of us and they arent big enough to tell on me, yet! i have plenty of strange moments...feeling like i live in some type of parallel universe...like, is this even real??!!?? but i am assuming most people feel that way when it comes to parenting, or life with children, or just life in general. but through it all, even in the times i really miss charlotte, i feel so blessed to be claire and annabel's mom. i am grateful that God gives me exactly what i need to get through each day. i am humbled by His goodness and i am thankful for His peace!

God, please help me. give me the wisdom i need to raise my children to do Your will. help me to teach them Your ways, not mine. give me the words to encourage them. God, please protect my babies from harm and direct them towards you. i give them to you, today and every day. thank you for blessing me with them. i love you more because of them. God, please help me!

here are a few pics. the gorgeous dresses and bibs came from my very sweet (and very southern, hence the monograms) precious friend, morgan. and the cute socks are from a generous friend in michigan, miss jane! thanks so much ladies for decking my girls out...i am biased but i think they were the best dressed this weekend!! :) here are just a few pictures (i took over 150!!!)

Pastor Mark praying for our babies and family

just waiting in the lobby

annabel was all geared up!

claire was hungry, but made it through

mark and laura have been praying for our family for two years! so blessed by them!!

hard to get a good one of all 4 of us, but we try!

curious claire...so sweet

she has started to embrace tummy time

annabel was pretty happy about being at home

oh my.

"claire, mom said to keep your legs down!"

look at those pursed lips of claire's! so many expressions from her! they like to be near each other...holding hands, rubbing feet, bumping heads. its so cute!!

lol

just give me my space and stop taking your clothes off!! :)

blessings, ALo

No Time

hi.

i cant believe i am sitting down to blog!! the last month and a half, or whatever it has been since my last post, has been crazy! we went to michigan for almost three weeks and i, obviously, didnt blog there and then when we got home, i have been inundated with life...raising babies, home hair, being a wife, trying to get some sleep! go figure...the mom of twins is busy! i used to blog at night, but family time has become very sacred!! so blogging has taken a back seat! sorry!

so, i probably dont have much time before one of the girls wakes up, so in short, things are good! the girls are both getting so big!! i weighed them just before we left michigan (june 10th)...claire weighed 12 pounds and annabel weighed 14.5 pounds! lol!! so annabel is my bruiser and claire is my peanut. we will see what happens when we go to the doctor in a few weeks, but i have a feeling not much will change between now and then! they are both in 3 month clothes. annabel can rock the 3-6month stuff, but claire is swimming in those outfits. they are almost sleeping through the night. annabel wakes up around 2 to eat so i usually get claire up too...she is the one that needs to catch up anyway. otherwise, they are going from 8pm to 2am then 2am to 8am. not too shabby!! we have mastered the eating at the same time thing, now we are working on nap schedules. today was not a good day. in fact, right now is the only time since 8am that they are both sleeping at the same time! needless to say, i didnt get a whole lot done today, but thats ok :) i will take some awake happy baby time when i can get it!!

so, i have been keeping up with my question a day journal that i started last year. it is so interesting to look back at where i was last year at this time compared to right now. last year, right now, i was really upset that we were not pregnant yet. that we were missing our window of opportunity to try that month. what a low point for me. but i specifically remember being at camp, teaching our high schoolers to trust in the Lord and getting a good swift kick in the pants from God, a true wake up vcall. not more than a month later we were pregnant!! God has so richly blessed us. my heart has been restored with these little girls. just this morning, as i was holding an upset annabel, i was so happy with my life. of course, i could complain about lack of sleep, not being in the shape i was before pregnancy (maybe more on that later), or so many other things, but i just wont do it! thank you God for these babies. thank you!

here are a few pics of the girls at 3 months! there are tons of pics on facebook from our trip to michigan if you want to see them. :)

Annabel Marie

Annabel needed her paci for a bit

Claire Mackenzie

Claire syas "who, me??"

TWINS!!

ps. annabel will be having her surgery july 22 to repair her hernia. i will hopefully be finding time to blog more often, but just in case, now you know! :)

i know it was quick...i will catch up more later!

blessings, ALo