What to do

i dont know what to do. Charlotte's "birthday" is sunday and i dont know what to do to celebrate. is it weird? i want to take time to think about and celebrate her...our time with her. i just dont know how i want to do that. do i have people over for cupcakes? do i do something with just peter and me? its hard because my new friends here in houston dont "know" her like my friends in the midwest. they were there for her balloon release, they were there when i was pregnant, etc. on the other hand, my friends here have mentioned being available/wanting to celebrate with us if we are up to it. i dont want the whole day to be sad. but i also know that this is such a huge part of who we are and i want our friends to know us, to "know" Charlotte. i still have not shared any of her things with anyone here. plus, who doesnt love cupcakes? :)

i just feel weird planning but not planning a non-birthday birthday "thing"...see what do i even call it? i know that part of me is wanting to plan something as a distraction for what the day is really about. if there are people over, i will be in entertainer mode. all of this is wrapped pretty tightly in denial. i am running circles around myself in my head...i think i am making this harder than it really is. i am making myself, and peter, crazy. then throw my jealousy issues in there and i am a big ball of mess. i still wish i was just planning Charlotte's real first birthday...the one where i get to watch my toothy little girl, dressed in pink frills and ruffles, get completely covered in cake and frosting. the party where i wrap tupperware, because thats all a baby really wants/needs/can play with. yeah...i am needing some prayer! i should just leave it at that.

so, here is the deal...peter and i are going to come home after church. we will have lunch and then have cupcakes to celebrate Charlotte's birthday. we will probably release a few balloons after. we are probably going to hang out here, do our thing alone, but that could change. i might add a post later in the week inviting people over. if not, or if you live too far away, feel free to have something sweet and think about Charlotte and pray for us as we are still trying to figure out this road that we are on. how to celebrate and remember, but not be weird or awkward or whatever the right term is for a situation like this. pray that God reveals His next step for our family. pray that my jealousy and feelings of doubt will be turned into something healthy and God honoring.

thanks so much for all the support and encouragement. i promise i am not really as crazy as i sound.

thankful that God's love never fails...He never gives up!

blessings, ALo