First Step

tomorrow, peter and i are taking the first step in trying to figure out why we have not been able to get pregnant for over a year. i have so many mixed emotions about all of it! it has been over 13 months since we had Charlotte. it has been over a year since we have been trying to get pregnant again. i know that sometimes it takes time. i know that hormones take a little while to get back on track, but it has been a year. i can only compare things to "the first time". the first time we got pregnant immediately. the first time was easy. the first time there was no "planning" or "scheduling". i have heard the term "secondary infertility" a few times the last few months. i heard it from a doctor here in houston and my doctor in ohio. both said that it is not uncommon. both said to wait it out a year and see what can be found. my issue is that most people who have secondary infertility are busy chasing around another kid at home. we dont. it makes me miss Charlotte so much more. i would give anything (even not having any more biological children) to have her here. i am not stressed, i am sad. i am not depressed, i am confused. i am not mad at God, i just dont understand.

so, i have been sick for a few weeks...literally, just shy of 3 weeks! i had strep and a bacterial infection. i had several fevers, horrid hacking, and nasty drainage. after taking a few different meds, i am finally feeling better. the only thing lingering is a massive headache. i have had this migraine since saturday. the kind where i am nauseous, vision spots, sore neck, hearing issues, etc. normally i would not be too worried about a headache. yes, it stinks that i have lost sleep from it, excedrine migraine normally knocks them out, but it is not touching this! anyway, normally i would not worry, but with all that is going on with my sweet friend susie, i am PARANOID!!! maybe i am not pregnant because i am sick, more specifically, that i have a brain tumor. crazy right??!!?? ok, did God allow me to get sick so that peter and i could "try" as often as we needed to? does God not want me to be pregnant? to have a family? i am so confused! part of me hates going to the doctor tomorrow because i want God to work and do what He wants, but didnt He give us doctors/medicine/knowledge to be better? to fix little things that could be off?

i know that there are so many of you that are praying! praying for my friend susie (ps. please read her blog from yesterday. it made me cry! love her heart!!!). i know that you are praying for whitney, eric, and baby thatcher. (today they had another ultrasound. i hope to read an update later. i will post if so!) please pray for peter and me. please pray that God makes things VERY clear for us. please pray that we will be open to whatever news we hear. please pray that we stay true to who we are and not allow this to consume us. i know that we will be given LOTS of information and probably a few options. please pray that we process it all with clear minds and open hearts and no pressure...from anyone!!

thank you for listening to me and my insecurities!

i have been singing the chorus of this hymn in my head the last few days...

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord; 
no tender voice like thine can peace afford. 

Refrain:
I need thee, O I need thee; 
every hour I need thee; 
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby; 
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh. 
(Refrain) 

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain; 
come quickly and abide, or life is vain. 

(Refrain) 

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will; 
and thy rich promises in me fulfill. 
(Refrain) 

I need thee every hour, most Holy One; 

O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son. 
(Refrain) 

blessings, ALo