Distracted

i dont really know how to describe how i have felt the past week. i think it is frustration. not anger, so much, or jealousy...some confusion, some disappointment but for sure plenty of frustration. from the start of our journey with Charlotte, i knew the that probability of her growing to full term was (according to the specialist) about 3%...pretty low. we prepared ourselves for the worst (as well as we could, but nothing really prepares you). we prayed for a miracle...that she would in fact go to term so that we could see her alive, even just for 5 minutes. as you know, that did not happen. i have been pretty open with my feelings and my grief from the beginning. that openness has helped me process each stage of grief and then move on to the next phase. some emotions have been easier than others, but i cant seem to get over this issue that i have been carrying around for the last almost 2 weeks. i am hoping that getting it out in the open will help me process. of course, God has already started working on me through the message at church this week (we went last night).

so, i am frustrated that i am not pregnant yet. we have been trying the last few months. i know that this sounds bratty...im sorry. i didnt have to "try" to have Charlotte, it happened the first month. i thought that maybe because Charlotte was born early (not at term like we were praying) that we would get pregnant right away, otherwise, why did she have to be taken from us so early? why didnt i get to see her alive for just a few moments? when i wasnt pregnant by her due date i was REALLY frustrated. peter and i want to be parents so badly. it seems to happen for others so easily...why are we being asked to continue with this grief without a positive to cling to? i know that this is not really the case, but that is what i am thinking lately. yes, i know that it will happen when it is supposed to. i "get" that God is in control, but when do i get to start dreaming again? well, i am dreaming, but not the dreams that i like having. 

ok, so, last night at church we were in week 10 of 11 on a study of the book of james. when we got to church i was already emotional after spending the day around a lot of little babies at my "fake sister" maggie's grad party. when we pulled out of the driveway to go to church i looked at peter...that was all...he knew exactly what i was thinking...he was thinking it too...we just want to have our own family. so, again, i was already emotional when i went into church. before the sermon, we had communion and i prayed about all that i was feeling...knowing that i was allowing some of my frustration to keep me from being real with God. at the end of communion we sang hillsong's "you hold me now" (see bottom of post for the song). i totally lost it! i know that Charlotte is now perfect in the presence of God and that He is holding her close. THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO BE! at that moment that was all i could think of...Jesus, just come back now, please, i am ready! i was so sad...while i am so glad that Charlotte is not in pain and is perfect, i want her here. i want my baby! i want my family! james 5:7-12 is all about having patience in suffering. of course that was the passage for the sermon...of course! please...if you are going through any type of trial in your life or any type of suffering, listen to the whole sermon (titled macrothumos). i had so many notes that i cant type them all. but one of the biggest things that i came away with is "God does not get distracted." suffering does not happen because God wasnt paying attention, or because he was distracted (i.e. God isnt texting while driving). God is always in control, nothing gets past Him. God never makes a mistake! do i know this? yes. did i need a reminder? YES! God knew what He was doing when He called Charlotte home at 22 weeks. He hasnt forgotten about me, even if it feels that way. He is still there, giving me His full attention. 

i was also reminded how much i suck in the patience department. in the passage we see that the farmers are patient with uncontrollable situations, prophets were patient with unchangeable situations, and job was patient with unexplainable situations...and me, i am not patient with anything. verse 11 says that i will be blessed if i persevere in my suffering with patience. i know that i will still face fears and insecurities. i know that i cant control God's will in my life (good thing, i would not be good at that!). i do know that God loves me, that He did not mess up and that He has good things in store for me. everything that happens here on earth is as bad as it will ever get for me...thankfully! i am so thankful for the reminder this weekend!

please pray that i will be more patient, especially with myself! please pray that i will not be frustrated by how things happen or do not happen, that i will be happy with where God has me right now! 

i am writing this down and putting around the house as a reminder this week!

psalm 121

"I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore!!!!"

Hillsong's "You Hold Me Now"

blessings, ALo