What's New?

3 months or 90 days or 2,167 hours or 13,030 minutes or 7,801,200 seconds. this is what has elapsed since we said good-bye to Charlotte Jean. today is the 3 month mark...or as some say, her "angelversary". lisa asked me today if we were considering january 8th Charlotte's birthday, or what we were calling it. well, the short answer is yes, but even if i had just gone into labor, not induced, Charlotte would not have lived :( she was just under 22 weeks gestation and because of her health issues, her lungs were not developed past 13 weeks. so, january 8th is not Charlotte's "birth day", but it is when we "met" her in the hospital, so that is what we will celebrate as her day.

if you have been reading my blog over the last few months, then you have read about some of my emotions and you have read about a few of the things that i have been doing. today, i caught myself wondering what i would be doing if Charlotte had lived and was here with us. then i tried to think about what i have accomplished since january 8. i made a new best friend (lisa and i met in person for the first time on february 10). i have had the pleasure of doing lots of traveling since early january. i have taken two trips to michigan, a four to indianapolis, one to florida, one to an indoor waterpark in northern ohio, one to pennsylvania, one to dallas, and one to fort wayne. i have had two house guests (other than grant!). i spoke at a women's bible study (am and pm sessions), have had one full spa day and plenty of coffee visits and/or lunches with friends to "talk life". i have cleaned the clothes off my bedroom floor (2x, and it is currently clean...this is a whole other blog post!), i have made more home cooked meals than in the last four years of marriage, i have done quite a bit of "home hair" for friends, read 8 books, fought with the insurance company several times, made 3 rosette balls (project pics eventually) and have been introduced to four newborn babies! all of this in addition to blogging and the world i have been introduced to through blogging...to say that i have been busy would be an understatement.

as i was sitting on my front porch, in the sun no less, thinking about all of this, i got really emotional. if Charlotte was here i wouldnt have been able to do a lot, but i would have been ok with that. i would much rather have my baby. of course, i didnt have a choice about that. so after i got over my self pity, i started thinking about the legacy that i am living for/because of Charlotte. since january 8th, i have had to make a choice everyday to be better than my old self because of my new life with (or technically without) Charlotte. heaven has become a very real place to me, knowing that is where my baby is waiting for me. my faith has become much deeper, no longer just the sunday school/christian school/bible major education basis for faith. relationships have become more important to me (hence all the traveling) and being real within those relationships is key. i have to be certain that Charlotte will not just be a sad story. i want my days to be about more than just hours, minutes, and seconds. i want to live a legacy that my baby girl would be proud of. a legacy and life lead by our Father, who is holding my Charlotte until i get to see her again.

"Lord, please let my days be filled by what makes me yearn for You. God, i want to be better everyday and live a life worthy of the sacrifice that Your Son made for me. thank you for the gift and blessing of Charlotte Jean. i have learned more in the last 6 months because of her than i have in the previous 28 years about who You are and Your love for me. please help me make my life worthy of Your gifts and sacrifices for me. please let others see Your love through me, through my love for Charlotte...help me make that choice every morning. God, let the Spirit guide me and lead me to give grace and love in all that i do. I love You and i know that Your love for me is never ending."

Galatians 5:22-26 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."

blessings, ALo