It had to happen

i knew it would...at some point. ok, well, first off, this post will be me complaining and venting, so if you dont want to read that...stop now! its ok, i understand.

ok...well the last few days have been rough. coming home from jaxton's funeral last week was hard. i hated leaving lisa and josh knowing that the next few days would be very hard. i knew that i was just so exhausted on the ride home...i kept crying like every 30 min over every little thing. i felt torn between having this feeling of needing to help and also knowing that i was spreading myself thin emotionally and physically. mentally i was wrestling with so many thoughts, some that are better not to bring up again (but thankfully i was able to voice all of those things to peter. i dont what i would have done if he had not gone with me). spiritually, well...this last week i have been all over the place with God. i know that He knows what He is doing and there must be a why/reason somewhere, but i dont think it will ever be good enough or make any sense to me. nothing will ever make not having charlotte or jaxton here ok. so, all of that to say i did not start the week off feeling that great. and if emotional, mental, and spiritual exhaustion were not enough, i am now physically sick. yep! another freakin cold!! i am so pissed off about it! i mean, come on! i have had two other colds in the last 4 months. that is really unusual for me. i am rarely sick. but, yep, sure enough it had to happen. doesnt my body know that i have alot going on, doesnt it know that i dont have time or energy to deal with this? oh, and i have my period...enough said there!

did you know that i am on a self prescribed sabbatical from work? i am. i have not been back to work since the beginning of january. if you are a client of mine, thank you for understanding. if you are a co-worker of mine, thank you for your support. in the meantime, my brother grant has been happily taking my place in the salon after finishing his apprenticeship. i have been in to the salon for a few short visits and also to receive a few services. and each time i leave with some anxiety. doesnt that sound crazy? i probably am crazy. i decided to take the said sabbatical because i am not ready to talk to every person in the salon about what has happened, and to be honest it is nice to be here when peter gets home from work and have the opportunity to be there for others. if i were working at the salon things would be different right now. ok, so today i had to go to the salon to drop off my brother's cell that he left at home. just before leaving, i stopped by a co-worker's station to say hi and show off my tattoo. i recognized the client in the chair, but didnt really know her. she must have recognized me though (even with the dark hair!) because she asked if my tattoo was my daughters name. i said yes and then was blindsided...she said, "congratulations, how are you doing? how is your baby?" ugh. i weakly responded. "fine, thanks". i then looked at my friend and said, "ok, gotta go, sorry" she gave me this sympathetic smile. yep, sure enough it had to happen, but i wasnt ready today. that is why i dont work yet. i cant deal with it yet. i left so sad.

today was a beautiful day outside. it was 70 and sunny...in ohio...in march!! i wanted to enjoy it. i wanted to pretend that everything was ok. today was not a good day for me. sometimes i feel like no one gets it...sometimes i feel really alone. i know that i am not alone, that i have a lot of support, but sometimes it just feels so overwhelming and no one knows what it is like to be missing my charlotte jean.

please pray for me. please pray that i get the rest that i need. please pray that i do not allow satan to have a foothold when i am weary. please pray that i will continue to reach out to others for help and not rely on myself. please pray for a better day tomorrow.

Romans 9:16 "It does not depend on human will and effort, but on God who shows mercy"

1 Peter 5: 6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

blessings, ALo

Wedding Dress

it's late...like 1am! i cant sleep. i had a headache earlier and took some excedrine around 9:30, forgetting how much caffeine is in those little suckers, so...here i am! so, as i sit here in the living room, listening to my hubby snore in our room, i cant help but be grateful. i know that i have talked before about peter and how much he means to me, but i dont have the words to adequately describe what he means to me. God honestly gave me a perfect match...my perfect compliment. in the midst of all the crap that has been going on in our lives, peter has become an even greater source of strength and comfort to me. there is nothing that i can not say to him and there is nothing that he would not do for me. i am blessed! peter and i met in college and it did not take long for me to realize how special he was...super shy but a great guy (even if i was not his first choice, right hun?) :) he proposed on december 24, 2005 in central park, NYC on a horse drawn carriage ride...it was perfect! we were married on august 12, 2006 and i have been falling more in love with him daily. this is not to say that everything has been easy. we have had our share of hard times, but none more so than the last 5 months. i thank God everyday that He has given me someone that will not give up on me or our marriage come hell or high water. yes, i need to be reminded of that (maybe a little too often), but even in the times that i doubt myself, peter has always been there holding my hand.

when we got married i had no problem planning my/our wedding. i knew what i wanted! when it came to finding my dress, that was a no brainer too. in fact, when i went to the store to try on dresses, i only wanted to try one, but of course they always talk you into more choices. but in true aimee fashion, i bought the one i went for. i loved it and it was perfect! after the wedding, that dress that i loved so much was hung up and covered with two black garbage bags...apparently the dress bag was lost in translation somewhere between the church and who knows where! today, four and a half years later, the dress is still hung in garbage bags! :)

some have probably/hopefully already seen the post from lisa about the project that she is starting using wedding dresses. i am so honored! if you havent read the post, go now so that you aren't lost! i am of course sending my dress! i mean, how could i not? although, i will probably keep a square of the lace for myself, i am thrilled to know that a mom will blessed because of the love that i have for my peter and for my charlotte jean. if you have a wedding dress that is just hanging around (like most are) please send it to me or to lisa! we are both so excited about what this will mean to others in remembrance of our sweet babies!

here are a few pics of the dress! i was going to go take a couple in the bags, but the snoring hubs might get mad if i wake him up! :)

yes, i did have to have a stool made for our first kiss!! and i still use it all the time!! :)

blessings, ALo

Charming and Charms

i had the most awesome of awesome charm bracelets in high school. it was one of those charm bracelets that was getting so full that i was running out of room and when i wore it everyone knew i was around because it was jingly! well, during an away basketball with a major rival my jewelry along with several teammates' jewelry was stolen. they took my purity ring, my cross necklace and my awesome charm bracelet. my mom didnt believe me at first...she thought for sure that i lost them! i mean, she wouldnt have been too far off knowing how bad i am at taking care of things where they should go, but for real this time it wasnt my fault! i have thought about starting a new charm bracelet several times over the years but never actually did it. fast forward to this year. as you know, i have a really great support system here through my bible study. they have been a huge encouragement over the past 9 weeks and more and i am not sure what i would do with out them. my girlies gave me an incredible charm necklace in remembrance of charlotte jean. it came on a chain that was a little short for my big neck, so i added the charms to the chain and pendant that peter gave me at christmas (sapphires are one of my favs and we both have them in our wedding bands). i have been saying that eventually i will put the charlotte charms on a bracelet and add a new charm every year on her birthday and maybe ones that i find that make me think of her. but for now i reach up and "play" with them throughout the day, i hear them jingle when i move, and they are right where i want them for now.

yesterday, i briefly mentioned my blogging friend joanne. joanne has a BEAUTIFUL charm bracelet and it has made it into several posts as well as being the header for her blog The Simple Wife. i started reading joanne's blog just before christmas and was so encouraged by her writing...and lots and lots of archives. on january 11, joanne suffered a major stroke. she is no longer in a coma, in fact she has been make big strides in her recovery, but this will be a very long very hard road for joanne and for her family. today is joanne's birthday!!! so in honor of joanne, today, every time i hear my charms jingle and every time i "play" with them i will be praying for her. i am praying the pain that has been reoccurring in her shoulder would be gone. i am praying that the transfer to her rehab facility goes great with no added drama for joanne to worry about. i am praying for her hubby, toben, and their two daughters. please, pray for this amazing women, for a full recovery!!

here is the picture that i took of my charms...it is also on joanne's blog today for her charming birthday! :)
arent they so pretty?? i love them and wear them all the time!

happy birthday, joanne!!!

blessings, ALo

Beach Butterfly

these are from my bestie, Sarah Mack...well, she ordered them for us. the sand butterflies are actually done by a baby loss mom in australia. as a way to keep the memory of her baby alive, carly creates these butterflies on the beach near her home. carly regularly writes baby names on the beach for people at no charge, these butterflies are what allows her to keep doing that. i love the way Charlotte's butterfly turned out! i cant wait to have one printed and framed to put with her things in our living room. if you would like more info on the beach butterflies, just go to Carly's page and follow the prompts. 

tomorrow i will be doing a post about the charms my bible study girls gave me for two reasons. 1. i have been wanting to write and show them off. 2. i will be supporting a blogging friend in her journey to recovery after a stroke. please see Joanne's page for more info. if you have a charm of any kind and you blog, you should join me tomorrow!! the info is in the post called birthday surprise.

i wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for my friend lisa and her sweet family. this past weekend peter and i drove to indianapolis to celebrate the life of little jaxton. please continue to pray for my friends as they continue to grieve and try to understand how their lives will continue without him. at the funeral, both josh and lisa were able to stand and give an account of their time with jaxton and how his sweet life has impacted so many people. lisa read the most amazing words describing her love for jaxton...please feel free to read what she said, but be prepared for tears. 

lisa, thank you for always being real and sharing your heart. i wish that there was something more i could do for you, my friend, but know that i love you and i am praying continuously for you to see and feel the peace that only God can give you.  

last week, on tuesday, i spent some time with a my friend elizabeth. a few weeks back, elizabeth and i spent some trying on and picking out a wig just before she started her first round of chemo for ovarian cancer. her first round went as well as it could have i guess. she did find out last week (her off week) that according to her numbers her body is responding to the treatments. the other visible sign that things are working is the hair loss. elizabeth and i were both dreading the head shaving day, but we had talked about it several times and had formulated a plan. basically, after finding the wig and then a week later taking her shoulder length hair to a short layered cut, elizabeth would call me when she knew it was time to do the big haircut. last tuesday was the day. to say that elizabeth was brave (even though she doesnt think so) is an understatement. elizabeth also has an amazing family and support system at home cheering her on as well as countless friends who are right there when she needs or wants anything. just before the haircut, steve (her hubby) prayed for elizabeth. i got so choked up because he kept referring to as his beautiful bride. after the hair cut it was no different. he looked at her with all this love and pride in his eyes...hair or no hair...wow. i of course wish that elizabeth was not going through chemo, and i of course wish that we didnt have to shave her head, but i will tell you that homegirl has a very pretty head...not lumpy or funny shaped at all! today elizabeth started her second round of chemo. please go to her blog to know how to specifically pray for her and her family.

i know that this has been a long one...there has been a lot going on in my life and in the lives of the ones i love. please, take the time to pray today for the ones that are close to you. make the time that you spend with God in prayer special, not just something that is on your checklist...but rather a time that you look forward to and a time that you cherish. 

blessings, ALo

Too Long

i waited too long in between posts. especially because for the past week there has been a lot that has happened. i was going to sit down and write a little bit about each of those things, but today all my mind can think about are my friends lisa and josh husmann. i am sure that you have all been reading their blog and praying for them. and i know that you have read my posts about my friendship with lisa and how we have come to be friends...through our kids, charlotte and jaxton. my heart is breaking today. at 8:05pm last night (3.9.11) God took jaxton back home. i have no idea why! i have no idea why God did not heal jaxton. i have no idea why God is asking my friend to face this life without her baby. yesterday sucked, today sucks! i have said it before..i wish i didnt know lisa because that would mean our kids would be here and be healthy. i totally wish neither one of us knew the pain that we both have now. yes, i am very thankful to have lisa in my life, but i would prefer it the other way around!!! i cant hep but feeling some of the same feelings that i have felt over the last 8 weeks come rushing back. God, why our kids? God, i for real cant do this for my self...i dont have anything to do/say to help someone else through this. God, i didnt ask for this...in fact it has been the complete opposite. God, we asked for miracles and it feels like You keep saying no.

now, i realize that most of these things are coming from my emotions and are not always an accurate guide, but again, today sucks and i am sad and i am upset! i think that about covers it! maybe i can tell you about some of the other things from the last week tomorrow...i need to at least write about my tuesday.

please pray for lisa and josh as they grieve for sweet baby jaxton. please pray the God gives me something useful to say or do to be a true friend to lisa right now...that i wont project my hurt onto her.

Psalm 31:9 "Be merciful to me, Lord, for i am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief."

John 11:35 "Jesus wept"

here are a few pics of sweet jaxton from when i was out there last week. the first is from jessie, an awesome photographer and friend of lisa's, the rest i took. mine are a little fuzzy because i didnt want to use a flash...he is so cute!!!

blessings, ALo

ps. this is a song that i have been playing a lot. the lady that wrote it also lost a child and this came out of her healing. Desert Song, by Hillsong

B.S.

that is what i had tonight...bible study, you freaks! i know many of you thought i was going to start going off on me, but dont worry. this has actually been something that i have been looking forward to for a long time. because my life has been getting so crazy with traveling, i have missed the last few bible study sessions. the group that i meet with is made up of my friends who all felt like we wanted something meaningful to come out of our time together...not that eating out and playing telephone pictionary isnt important! :) this group of women has been so encouraging to me over the last year that we have been meeting. some of us have been through some really crappy things and some really great things. there has been 2 weddings (soon to be 2 more), 3 pregnancies (so far), a couple break-ups, plenty of family drama, and one baby jax! this group has become a guide as to how the rest of my week/weekend will go and when i am not able to be there i am really disappointed. there have been plenty of sessions where our agenda gets way off schedule and all we accomplish is sharing a need with the group. other times we do great and have awesome discussion about the book we are studying...go figure with a group of nine women that we would end up talking about everything except what we are supposed to, right??!!??

tonight we asked a guest speaker to come and share her story of faith through forgiveness and what that process has looked like in her life. i was blown away by what God had for me tonight! i dont know why i am so surprised because this is a time that i had been specifically praying for in the last two days, but God really showed up and made some things very clear through the life story of this friend. while what she went through a few years back is totally different than what i am walking through right now, the love of Christ is the same. i want to share a few things that she said, and i know that by only getting a little snippet i will be cheapening the effect a little, but there is no way i could write it all. this has been a hard day for me, for no particular reason other than i get caught up in myself and i just love that God tells us what we need to hear right when we need to hear it.

thank you God for using the words of this wise and tender-hearted women to speak to me right where i am. thank you, laurie, for being willing to allow God to use you to impact my life!

here are just a few of the things that i wrote down...i know they are out of context, but still worth hearing!

"God loves us even when our life circumstances do not match that (our prospected feeling of love) and when that happens all we have to do is look at the cross to be reminded that God loves us."

"We are not to compare our sin to other peoples sin, we are to compare ourselves to Almighty God to see the depth of our sin."

"God is not concerned with our comfort. God is concerned with much bigger things like our heart."

"Eve was not called a soulmate, she was called a helpmate. This means that our marriages are our ministry."

"Am i silencing a demon with how i am responding to situations in my life? Am i strengthening an angel?" speaking of the spiritual warfare that is going on around us for us.

"There are 2 options, you can become more like Jesus or you can become a bitter women, it is a daily choice."

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours and my thoughts than your thoughts".

humbling to think that the thoughts and things i have planned for myself are not God's and that His thoughts and ways are higher than heaven for me. this is hard for me at times, but, thank you, Lord!

blessings, ALo

Momma's Pride and Joy

peter and i have been talking for the last year or more about getting tattoos, but didnt want to just go in without a plan. duh, its permanent!!! after we said good bye to charlotte jean, we knew what our tattoos were going to be...her name. it has taken us several weeks to decided where to put those tats and who was going to do them. we narrowed things down and took a referral from a friend to meet with an artist at truth and triumph tattoo in dayton. last tuesday night peter and i met with josh cook (aka cookie) to talk about what we were thinking and to nail down a time. we were referred to cookie because he specializes in letters/wording tattoos, in fact that is all he does now! that is how we knew he was our guy! the side story is that his dad was a professor of mine at cedarville...dr. cook, and he literally changed my perspective on life through making me both homeless and a refugee for a weekend each, thanks papa c!! so, anyway, we scheduled to go back to see cookie saturday at noon. the night before going in peter and i were talking about our tattoos, more about what we wanted and where. i told him that i had wanted her name on my left wrist weeks prior. i always knew that my tattoo would be on my left wrist because it is closest to my heart (in comparison to my right wrist). i had never asked peter which arm his tattoo would be on and when i did his answer made me cry...immediately! he said, "i want her name on my left arm because that is the arm i held her with." his sweet heart and sensitivity tore me up. the rest is pretty much the way you think it goes..we went in, went through the pain (yes it was bad, but totally worth it), and i again made my mom proud! just kidding...my mom hates tattoos! but just like i am her pride and joy i get to show off my pride and joy, charlotte jean, in tattoo form! :) here are a few pics to prove it!

these pictures include the whole process...the waiting room, cookie doin his thing, and the finished product! hope you think they are as awesome as we do! :) p.s. if you want to know how to get a hold of cookie for some work, let me know. he really did do awesome and he will now forever be remembered, not unlike his dad! :) i will for sure go back if i get another (mom, this is your warning)!! 

blessings, ALo