The Honest Truth

honestly, i have had a rough 2 days. sometimes i am not sure how i am supposed to act or feel. usually, i try to keep it together and stay strong, but yesterday that was a real struggle for me. i am just sad and then i feel very selfish. selfishly, i want my baby to be healthy and "just fine" and selfishly i want to plan a nursery, have baby showers and most importantly be looking forward to bringing her home. i know that this is a big deal to me and consumes most of what i think about, but this is not all that is going on around me. everyone i come into contact with has something going on in their lives that may seem devastating to them too. that is why i feel like i need to keep it together (poor peter, my awesome hubby, has to deal with me when i cant do it anymore).

my appointment friday went as most people would expect. i still always hope for something good or a positive change, but that will always be a very slim chance. thankfully my awesome mom came down to go with me! she came thursday afternoon and took peter and me out to a nice dinner and then had her hair done (a nice perk for her!). friday started early with an ultrasound. i had a really sweet ultrasound tech named kathy; she has done all three ultrasounds for us and knows our case well, she also assisted in the amnio test. she is always very nice and explains things to me when i ask (which is very often!). as we were looking at the ultrasound, it became very clear to me very quickly that things had gotten much worse. at 18 weeks, the baby should look like a baby and should be easy to recognize all the fingers and toes. on our poor baby every thing is full of fluid and looks very puffy. it's as if you took a latex glove and blew into it, that glove blows and everything looks like an over stuffed sausage. that is what our baby's arms and legs look like. you can see the bones as a thin strip and then all the fluid around them. this is the first time we have seen this...in 3 weeks the fluid is progressively moved over the entire body. her little lungs have still not grown since the 13 week appointment. she still has a strong steady heart beat, but it is having to work much harder to pump through all the fluid. i am sure there is more, but those are the things that stick out to me. at the end of the scan, the doctor came in to go over everything with me. i already knew what was a going to be said (i have done my research and know how things are supposed to be). i told the doctor what i had seen and she told me i was right. she proceeded to say that with all that was happening we had the option of termination. this is the same doctor that i have already told 2 times that we would never terminate. so, i responded that peter and i had "faith and were believing in a miracle, and if we don't get that miracle than we completely understand what we are up against." the doctor then turned to me and said, in a very pessimistic tone, "oh, so, you are ok with having a baby with a webbed neck?" i quickly responded in somewhat shock, "yes, at this point we would be ok with having any baby, even with disabilities." i was so upset, especially because a webbed neck (a cosmetic side effect of turner's syndrome) is going to be the least of our worries! my mom and i left somewhat dumbfounded by her comments. we went upstairs to my OB appointment with my sweet doctor, Roberts Wood. i told him what happened and he has encouraged me to write a letter to the practice that does my ultrasounds and tell them why i was upset. he explained that she would never understand our faith (he is a believer too!) but her comments and insistence of termination are not appreciated. i am also going to make sure she is no longer the doctor i will see there...i will have to go every 2 weeks for an ultrasound and check up from here on out.

 i try so hard to be strong during my appointments, but her pessimistic attitude/comments about this pregnancy make it very hard for me. i have tried to make my faith and beliefs clear without being one of those crazy people, but friday i wanted to throw everything out the window and kick the lady! then, after i was mad and after my mom, who was for once totally speechless :), and i laughed about it, i got very sad. not sad for me, but for all the people who have probably listened to the advice and allowed this women, and other doctors like her, to play god and be the one to determine the future of their babies. i am and will be sad knowing the facts and stats we are up against. i am tired and worn out from everything, but in no way will i ever give up and let someone else be in control. God has me right where He wants me. He has never left my side, even when i wanted to kick that crazy lady!

 please pray that i can continue to be strong, that i wont give in to what might be an easy way out. please pray that God will give me rest emotionally and mentally. peter and i are traveling to new jersey and florida, please pray that things go smoothly and things with the baby do not change over the break (i am nervous enough about what is coming without having things change and end up in a hospital out of state). thank you for all your prayers and continued support...i am so blessed!!

blessings, ALo