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this time 2 years ago, i was in labor. i am still somewhat amazed that it has been two years since we first laid eyes on sweet Charlotte. well, she actually came on the 8th, but i am sitting here thinking about it all right now.

a few things are still the same and some things are different, even from last year. of course things are different...i am pregnant...with two! we are still so amazed that God has given us a double rainbow! i think some of the emotional stress is gone because we have the hope of more children this year, but there will always be a part of us that will always be raw from the pain of saying good bye to our first born. i think a lot about the post that i wrote not long after we said good bye (its a gusher)...comparing this journey to someone that looses a finger. my heart no longer feels as though it is hemorrhaging. in fact, unless you know me very well, or read this blog, you may not see the scars of saying good bye. you probably dont even know that we had to do that. the scars do not surface as much as they used to. but they are there. i can see them, i can feel them, there are times of pain, but not at all as often or nearly as intense. until about this time. Charlotte's birthday.

its not just her birthday that bring back some of the pain, although, we will always wish she were here to actually eat her birthday cake with us! this year, some of that pain is resurfacing through the prayers i am praying for bekah and her babies. peter and i were just talking over lunch today how much it feels like how we prayed when we first prayed for Charlotte. it was like that when i prayed with lisa for jaxton, it was like that when i prayed with piper for declan. my prayers for claire and annabel are so different than my prayers for Charlotte and for the bell's babies. i am pleading once again for God to grant life. to give them full term pregnancy. i am praying for the irregular sac to become perfectly normal. for bekah's levels to continue to rise. i find myself waking up at night being able to do nothing more than pray and plead and ask God to be merciful and grant this blessing to bekah and trav. that all takes me back to our time with Charlotte. even up to the night we were in labor, peter and i were still praying that God would change things. that Charlotte's heartbeat would somehow come back. that she would be fine. that He would give us a miracle. we never wanted to say good bye.

today, i can look back and see so many things that have changed or grown because of our short time with Charlotte. my faith is much deeper. i am able to take a step in faith knowing that God will make the way possible if i just trust Him. my relationship with peter is stronger. our love for each other has reached heights some people never see in marriage. my time with family is much more sacred to me than before...knowing that this is the family God has given me to love and be loved by.

this year peter and i will release balloons when he gets home from work. then we are going to dinner and having birthday cake. birthday cake may be more because i just want cake and this is a good excuse. :) i did just finish painting my nails in "Charlotte purple" too. we will both still go to work, have a "normal" day to anyone thats looking on the outside, but on the inside will be thinking about my Charlotte and celebrating the moments that we spent with her two years ago.

Charlotte, daddy and i love you so much! we wish more than anything that you were here to celebrate your 2nd birthday with us! i know that you are having so much more fun in heaven...maybe i wish i was there with you then. :) you mean more to us than you will ever know. our lives will never be the same. i cant wait to see you, but i think your sisters need me here for a little bit. i know that you are looking down just as excited about claire and annabel joining the family as we are. of course, it would have been nice to have parenting practice with your first, but i am relieved that you are healthy and perfect and sitting with Jesus! i love you, sweet baby girl!! xxoo, mommy

blessings, ALo