Never Stops

i never stop thinking about Charlotte. depending on the day, thoughts of Charlotte take up anywhere from a few to most of my thoughts. yesterday and today it was most. i cant even really tell you why. i did think today about how 2 years ago right now, we were getting excited to see our little girl on screen for the first time.

today, i publicly broke down. i havent done that in a while. i felt just a little bit crazy, but felt so loved after. so, at work we met as a staff just to pray together (best job ever!!!). we have a lot going on from now through the holidays, so we like to all get together often to lift each other up and keep the enemy away. today, towards the end of the prayer time, we prayed for things that we know will happen in heaven would happen here on earth (what is bound on earth will be bound in Heaven, what is loosed on earth will be loosed in Heaven. matt. 18:18). with my thoughts already going towards Charlotte i found myself praying that today...in complete tears. thankfully, all my coworkers know our story and know all that God has blessed us with over the last few years. i loved that they were all praying in agreement with me and for my family.

here was my prayer today:

God, as peter and i look to be reunited with our sweet baby in heaven, please let us raise these twins without the cloud of grief that we still feel. allow us to lead our kids to always bring all glory and honor to You.

i felt such peace, just praying the words out loud...being honest, that there are still days of grief. that we still miss our little girl. that even though we are more than thankful for our double blessing, we still miss Charlotte and wish she were here too. i came home and told peter about today, cried a little more, but again was comforted knowing that he knows exactly how i feel, even said that he has been thinking about Charlotte a lot this week.

i am feeling great right now in this pregnancy with the LOtwins. we are all very excited to find out on the 27th exactly what they "are". i still just miss Charlotte and think about her a lot. i think that is probably "normal"...at least i hope. but i guess, even if its not, its where i am right now.

here is a song that i have had on repeat for the last week. we sang it last week at church during our night of worship. i felt the LOtwins move for the first time during this song. it is just so fitting for all that i am thinking and feeling...and for all that is happening in our country!! i hope you voted today...we went as a family tonight! :)

Always by Kristian Stanfill

blessings, ALo