Knocked the wind out of me

hi. my name is aimee and i used to blog.

so, i had been inconsistent and then i took a 1 year and 1 week break. there are reasons, nothing major, other than people stealing my kids pictures...idiots!! people, DO NOT steal my pictures, its rude and totally creepy!!! the other reason was i just didn't feel like sitting down and blogging for a while. i started my blog for me in the very beginning. then i blogged our pregnancy with Charlotte. then i blogged about our infertility issues and then my pregnancy and birth of our sweet twins, Claire and Annabel. at the time i quit blogging they were 6 months old. i can't believe it, but they are already almost 19 months old! so my blog had transformed into something i didn't really enjoy. i needed a break from it, to miss it and want to do it again.

so, here i am. my blog is entitled Alo's Place. this won't always be about my girls, it won't always make sense to any one but me. i need this to be my outlet...my processing spot. so, feel free to keep reading...or don't. its up to you. but either way here is my blog...

yesterday was a weird day. one of those days where grief creeps in and knocks the wind out of you. its been almost 4 years since we had Charlotte. four years!!!! thats just crazy to me. well, yesterday was one of those "normal" mondays in our house. i only do home hair on mondays (its gross to have hair all over my house with 2 toddlers more than just one day) so i was busy with people in and out, taking care of the girls, making dinner, etc. i really didn't have much time to think. when i sat down after putting the girls to bed, i sat down to respond to an email from a recent baby loss mom i have met through my blog. i was recalling so many things of our last days with Charlotte. typically, when talking about "our story" i am very factual, i rarely think about or explain the emotions. for some reason, last night was all emotional for me. that got me thinking about everything. i realized it was 4 years ago to the day that we found out we were pregnant with Charlotte. that gave me a huge smile. thinking back to before i had any fear of pregnancy, anxiety of doing something wrong, just pure joy in being pregnant. i was ELATED!!! i was so excited to tell Peter. i mean, we were pregnant after our first "try"!! (which is what made our journey for Claire and Annabel so confusing) anyway, that made me start thinking about it all. how our joy was stolen and our dreams for our daughter were crushed after our first ultrasound. our life took on a whole new meaning that day. then again on january 8th, i became a baby loss mom and had to leave the hospital with out my sweet girl. just typing that again brings me to tears, for the 2nd time in two days. the grief creeps in. my throat feels tight with tears.

of course God knows my heart, He knows my pain. last night, in the midst of my grief, my husband was there. he held me and let me cry. he let me talk and weep through it. we both miss her so much. we wondered how different it would be with Charlotte here...bossing her little sisters around. there is not a day that goes by that i don't wish things had been different, that i don't miss my baby girl. but this is our life...this is part of our story and sometimes there are parts that still hurt. sometimes the grief still knocks the wind out of me.

feels good to blog. thanks. also, i am sure there are plenty of grammatical and spelling errors, and i know i don't capitalize...i choose that. these are my vents and i will type as fast my fingers will let me with zero regard for rules!

blessings,
ALo

ps. i know a couple readers reached out (***Rachel :)***) and some of you found this through a search (usually my post on nuchal fold test). if you want to follow me on Instagram and see pics, just request me, its private..again because people are rude and steal images of my kids and pretend my kids are theirs...creeps!! my instagram name is aimlo. Facebook is Aimee Loeser. i will post a few pics here, but i need to figure out a watermark first.